i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

2011, A Reflection of the Year that was… of Depression and of Contentment

on December 29, 2011

As I try to recall the year that was–that is, 2011, it seems like a lot of things had happened, both small and big. Thinking about it now, I couldn’t be more grateful enough. I am so blessed and now, I am in a place of contentment.

The start of my 2011 was a bit slow. I somehow agree to what I’ve read in my horoscope, that things would start its pace by the latter part of the year and I just had to be patient. True enough, it did.

For the 1st half of my year, I became really busy and my focus was more on my responsibilities outside my current world. To expound further, I was very much distracted from work with my “day-dream job”. Oh, it’s still not specific, isn’t it? To put it out straight, being an expat here in Dubai, I am physically present at work and outside work, but my focus was more in fulfilling the responsibilities of our non-profit/fan group in the Philippines (Incubus Street Team Philippines). I work here in Dubai as an engineer, but during those times, I just resent my job! I mean, not a day has passed by without me saying “I hate this job, if it weren’t only for the money.” Now, as for the “day-dream job”, though I wasn’t in the Philippines, I could say that I was the point person of the street team–like a project manager (?). My very-much-hidden obsessive-compulsive character just went out. Always sending emails, making calls, searching for sponsors/contacts, and arranging for different things. It may be easy to read: Tree Planting Activity (much credits to Onang), Shirt Projects (much credits to Anna), getting the team in place, and the big one: Pre-Concert/Post Album Launch Fund Raising GIG Party, plus a lot more! But it was a lot of work. And yes, it was “work” for us–only we weren’t earning anything (not that any of us mind). Labor of love. What started as me/us being a fan of Incubus led us to do activities that isn’t about us being “just us” anymore. It was really very rewarding.

Time flew by without us realizing it. It was fun and sweet and tiring all at the same time. Somewhere in between months during this period, I flew in and out of the country back home, wherein my focus was more of our group’s activities. In a total of being home for 4 weeks (i flew back to Manila twice in a span of 2 months!!), I was mostly with the street team. I’ve met with my HS friends once, my extended family a few times, and mostly hung out with my family at home. Daytime, if I wasn’t on the PC, I was with the team’s meeting. It felt like an events job for me, but it was very rewarding. I felt really happy the moment we successfully did it. Just happy. Blissful. And yes, we got to meet the band Incubus in person. Cherry on top of the cake. YES.

But after all these, when I went back to Dubai, leaving everything and everyone behind… I felt depressed. I felt bad. I felt really lost. I hated my job even more–knowing that with the right team, we can successfully throw a successful event. That’s the career that I felt was really right for me. I hated it even more because I know that my current job pays well compared to the risk that I am still not willing to take. My everyday job felt even more boring, because I had to deal with the daily tasks. No more “street team” job to do. I was still pushing through, but no one was in pace anymore.

Next, I felt like everyday was the typical day and there’s really nothing to look forward to. “What’s the reason behind all these? Fine, I work to earn… Then what’s next? We’re all going to die anyway.” No, I never thought of killing myself. But I just wished to die really early… that if I die at that time, it’s okay since nothing was relevant anyway.

Much more, my family in the Philippines (excluding one of my sisters) was going to migrate to the US. I thought to myself, it would be a long shot for us to be altogether again… Like, when will we celebrate my birthday with all of us in one place? What about their birthdays? And the Christmas holidays? I felt really guilty for not being able to spend time with them when I was on vacation… for prioritizing the “fan” in me, the street team member rather than allotting time to spend with my family. I remember, before I left home, I hugged my mom and cried, telling her: “I don’t wanna leave anymore. I don’t wanna go back there.” But still I left. I had to. That’s life.

Days went by and I was living it like as if I was already dead. I was waiting for time to really fly by really fast… For it to fast forward. I was doing things at a routine just for the sake of being occupied… The whole time that I was depressed, I preferred to just stay home, watch movies, clean up and do basic chores once in a while. I resent everyday and declined each invitation. I knew that I was lucky and should be grateful, but at that time, I just didn’t know the purpose of it all. I find it meaningless. I sort of closed my heart subconsciously, not knowing that it would make me empty. Until one day: I went out with friends.

I can’t remember how it all happened, but the depression sort of just went away. I was content of just living life, one day at a time. I enjoyed the food that I eat, couldn’t care less about spending, and was just okay. I enjoyed my friends’ company very much and I looked forward to spending more time with them. I sort of changed. I became more oriented with my tasks and responsibilities. I became more inspired of what life could offer, whether it be big or small.

I ate out on weekends with friends. Became excited of the Friday brunch, the afternoon walks, and the late night house drinking party. I just gave in to the feeling of being content.

Work, I didn’t mind at all. I worked and get annoyed from time to time, but I just let it go. I did not let it bother me the way it used to. I just say “fffff what the heck!” then move on in a snap.

When I discovered a soothing music, the one which made me light, floating, and happy (a huge shoutout to Jason Mraz’s music), I tuned in to it. It made me think and reflect even more… It made me realize to just live and not worry about tomorrow.

Last November, I traveled again and realized even more how lucky I am to be at a place where I am at right now. Not all people could have the opportunities that came along my way. I became more open and receptive of others. I allowed myself to let them come inside my heart… and for that, I allowed myself subconsciously to move out of that depression and to just live.

I’ve learned when to let things strike me, and what or who are allowed to hit me hard (figuratively). Simple term: I learned when to be affected and when to not care at all. It’s simple yet hard to explain, but I learned how to be more grateful and appreciative of what is in front of me right now, and how to brush off everything else.

Care? I still do, I think I care even more. Emotional? Yes, still a lot. Depressed? Not anymore, and I don’t intend to be.

I remember talking to Adrian, a guy I crossed paths with on my trip to Amsterdam, about him wanting to study Philosophy. He’s of the same age as mine, 27. He used to do the same job as I and he understands how my work somehow makes me grumpy (I told him that my job has attributed a LOT to my grumpy character at work). He told me that it’s why he decided to study again, coz that wasn’t for him… And he just finished his 2nd degree and now he’s traveling for a few months now… And he intends to study again: Philosophy. We talked about those things and a lot of other stuff to, then he said somewhere along that “if you think about it, we’re still lucky. Not all people could do what we’re doing right now.” And indeed, he is correct.

He somehow inspired me too, to move forward. Meeting him and meeting a lot of people along the way in my previous travels have inspired me in a lot of different aspects.

Reflecting on the year that was, 2011, is just very inspiring for me. It might sound simple and probably my depression sounds a bit lame for some, but experiencing that made me appreciate what I have right now in my life. I’m seeing things differently with a whole new perspective.

I wanna study again, and I am still unsure of what it is. I wanna travel freely knowing when to worry, and when not to. I wanna change careers and not worry about the stability of the wage that enters my pocket. I wanna live life and smile when I hear good music, even though it doesn’t relate to any of my previous experiences at all. I look forward to the day that I could spend with those I’ve left behind back home, my friends and of course, my family. I look forward to seeing myself in their pictures and just being there with them. I am excited to the things that are in store for me by the year of 2012.

I am looking forward to 2012, but I am not rushing to the time that I can get to do those things again. I have a not-so-vague idea when those things would happen, but for now, I’ll take one day at a time. Until I figure out what I am going to do tomorrow and accomplish it by end of day, then that’s the time I’ll think of what’s in store the day after.

As I leave 2011 and move forward to 2012 in 3 days, I’d like to share with you some of the lines that make my heart jump, my mind tingle, and my eyes and lips smile… These lines are such a mood setter and I believe has definitely helped me feel better with life.

“Live High, Live Mighty, Live Righteously, Taking it Easy…” — Jason Mraz with Live High

“I won’t worry my life away” — Jason Mraz with the Remedy

“I don’t wanna wake before the dream is over, I’m gonna make it mine… Yes I, I know it” — Jason Mraz with Make it Mine

May everyone have a prosperous, inspiring, and a Happy New Year! Appreciate yourself and be grateful, then you’ll be content.  Be content, and happiness will follow. Live, Be Content, and Love… Everything will fall into the right place the moment we allow ourselves to let them in our hearts.

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