i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Be Present

on March 6, 2012

After writing about a few paragraphs a few minutes ago, I accidentally hit the back button (or must I say the backspace–which is also a shortcut for the “back” button). Multiply, unfortunately doesn’t have an autosave, unlike in wordpress or simply, word document.

Makes me appreciate the beauty of pen and paper even more.

Okay. So moving on…

To look back and review the past could either be helpful or destructive, depending on how we let things affect us.

I wish I kept a journal since the day I started being “creative” with words, since I started learning about the beauty of emotions, since the day I knew how to write. It would’ve been meditative to read about past thoughts at present. Thoughts of the past reminding us how we’ve become what we are, and why, for that matter.

But those years are long gone. And I didn’t have the urge to do it back then. The idea of saying “dear diary” creeps me out, for I thought that writing to a notebook/journal meant that I’d have to tell stories of how my day went.

Blogging. I started back when livejournal was still a sort of underground community. There weren’t that many blogs back then, not that I know of. I thank my good friend Ida for sharing this to me. I can’t remember my earlier entries, but I’m pretty much sure that some of it talked about Incubus, a boy, and just emo shit. It could be pretty embarrassing to share it now if I get a chance to track it.

For me, to blog online is to have an outlet to share thoughts, ideas, knowledge, randomness, interests, and much more. I’ve always thought of it merely to share. As I patronize other people’s post and feel connected especially when I share the same sentiments, I thought I’d do the same. It is very rewarding to have something to share with, with people from a few meters or a thousand miles away. I tried to be be just a random face (to be visible yet invisible in the interweb) as much as possible, so as not to be “conscious” of blogging about my thoughts/emotions. To just blog away. But still, I hold back in “typing away…”. I don’t really get interested reading some “stuff”, so, when I am in that kind of “stuff”, I hold back and try not to post it away. By stuff, I usually mean rants, grievances, etc.

Rants. I get a bit disturbed reading stuff like this. Yes, I know. It’s freedom of expression, and the web could be a good outlet for this. With billions of users, we could all rant away without being noticed, and feel free about it. The web allows us to a convenient method of self expression. But sometimes, reading it is unhealthy. Thus, I refrain from posting about this now. I’d rather not backread my shit only to find out I was resentful back then.

Pen and Paper.
As I couldn’t get back the years of not writing, I think of it as a good memory. Thank God for pictures being developed for the good part of my development years. Gone are the years when people get enthusiastic with film and printed pictures. It’s all about facebook and tagging now. The anticipation of printing only to find out it wasn’t your great angle almost does not exist. And so I write. I started a week ago. I used to write literally when I got my travel journal from a friend, as a farewell gift. But then it didn’t really kick in. Telling my day’s travel story is better written (or typed) with pictures. A notebook is better written with thoughts, whatever it may be.

I wish I started writing when I first learned to feel and to react, when I started making up stories (for a creative writing elective, and that filipino subject i was too lazy to attend to back in college–“alamat ng rosas”). I wish I wrote thoughts down. Have I done it, would I have chosen a different path and be at a different place now? This thought, I haven’t really thought of, not until now. But I dare not find the answer. There’s no reason for me to dwell about it now.

All I can do is to be here, now. Be present. Everyday is a fresh start, with new choices, new moments, new thoughts, new actions, and new reactions. To write about my thoughts now is what’s important now. To understand and feel things now, is what’s important.

For the past years, I’ve stumbled upon different reading materials. Some are written just recently. Some however, are dated back years ago. I don’t wish to have been able to be a follower of that reading back when it all started, when it was still in its active high state. All I could do now is just read it, and allow it to enhance the neurons in my brain and positively brush some thoughts in it.

Again, no dwelling.

It isn’t really important if the things we bump to, stumble upon, or come across are ages ago. It isn’t important if we didn’t do the-things-that- we-know-could’ve-help-us-cultivate-our-current-to-future(longterm)-shit back then. We are what we are now because of the things we did and didn’t do. Stop wishing this and that. Instead, be present and do it now.

I wish I’ve started writing since back then. I didn’t. And so I started writing now. And I’m very grateful for the opportunity to start NOW.

I wish I practice more guitar back when I got it 12 years ago. I wish I took care of it and nurtured my artistic side. I didn’t. But now I am learning, practicing more often. Realistic goals, realistic results.

I wish I didn’t buy bottled water every lunch when I get the chance back then, and instead, brought reusable bottle or something like that. I was conscious about it before but not conscious enough to actually do something about it. Now, I am doing something about it.

I know I have a lot of things I wish I’ve done. It’s somewhere lying in the back of my brain. I’ll update myself later.

The past is the past, and I wish, yet I know, I can’t do anything about it. So I dare not to bother dwelling about it. Won’t do me any good.

I choose to be present. Now. I know what I didn’t do and I know now what I want to do.

The effect of the past is only good if we allow it to push us forward to be present now.

Fuck tomorrow. Life is about our moment now.

Reflect on how you feel now and share your light and your positivity.

To shine your light now is what’s important.

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