i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

When Death and Pictures Catch Up on You

on March 13, 2012

Today is one of those gloomy days. It’s just sad, unfortunately.

The past few days have been normal, except for the triggering of my thoughts and emotions, on illness, death, heaven, and the relationships we build with other people. The new movie of Kate Hudson, “A Little Bit of Heaven”, and Robin Williams’ “What Dreams May Come” definitely warmed me up.

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I’ve been thinking of what’s heaven like, lately. Then, of chances on how I might die. I’ve also been thinking, what if I, too, have pre-existing conditions, like cysts hidden somewhere. Would I undergo treatment? Or just savor my last days and accept death? All of these thoughts, the thought of how I’d feel, how my family and friends might or might not feel breaks my heart.

Karl Roy, one of my favorite local vocalist died last night. We were not close and I don’t believe we’ve even met yet in person. But he has been my favorite, the only local act (with no disrespect to others) that I have allowed myself to buy an album of–POT (don’t judge me, I have yet to buy other artists’ CDs eventually). His music has really made an impact to me. I am not one to judge what he did in the past, nor what had really happened. Regardless, I know and feel that he lived a good life, a life that he adored, have given thought of, learned from, shined through and much more, a life full of passion through his music which touched our hearts too. In that way, he shared his life with us, those who’ve met him, seen him, heard him, and just know of him.

photo by pelicola.tv

RIP Karl Roy

It’s been almost 3 years that I’ve been an expat here in Dubai, thus, leaving all my family and friends in my hometown, and making new friends here and strengthening my relationship with those who are far behind. Trust me, I am very much grateful for all the blessings that I have right now, and I am happy having crossed paths with different people, whether they’re just acquaintances who are passing by, or friends that have stayed.

But as I look at the photos of the people that I’ve left behind, I know that in the lost time that I haven’t spent with them, they’ve moved on–without me. Them, mostly getting married, with my other friends as their guests or entourage, makes me wonder, “if I was there, would I have been a part of that too?”. Not that I really wanna be a part of the program, but metaphorically speaking, if I was still a part of the “close friends” that they used to treat me as, back when I still haven’t left.

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It just hurts when you see them happy even with your absence, like you’ve been forgotten even though you’re not. There are only a few friends that I think have maintained the same level of friendship with me, even though I’ve been gone for quite some time. Maybe we’ve already been accepting of the way we’ve maintained our friendship–one time big time convo/gathering. I know I am also at fault here, not just because of the physical distance that is between us now, but probably because I too have moved on the moment I adapted to my new environment, and haven’t really maintained that level of commitment to the friendship I used to have with them. I know I can’t put the blame on myself alone, but for some reason, I feel that I am largely at fault.

I am a good friend, and I do believe that. But usually, even at friendship, I can’t help but be a slacker. I am a devoted friend but at the same time, I get tired, unfortunately. I adapt to what’s in front of me at the present and move on. And whether the gap has been driven by two people, I know how I am at fault, because of my nature of semi-dwelling and of forcing myself to adapt to the present in order to eliminate the hurt that the past might bring. Either that, or because of this delusion that I am at a better place.

I know it’s not yet too late for me to catch up with them, the loved ones I’ve left behind, because I am still alive. Again, I just feel a bit sad, knowing and seeing in pictures how happy they are… far far away. While I’m still alive, I know that I can still make amends. Maybe I’m feeling just all emo right now, maybe I’ll change my mind, maybe I’ll accept things and then move on… I honestly don’t know.

I miss the good old days. Truly. But I don’t think I’d change my decision of moving away. What I’d probably change is how I would try in maintaining the relationship I used to have with them. The path of how and where to move on from here NOW relies on me. Can’t change back the past. Can only act on the present and define the future.

Here’s a song by one of Karl Roy’s Band, POT, entitled “Piece of This”.

“No more loneliness… No more emptiness… No more melancholy… Have a piece of this”

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