i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Why can’t the cops in my country look like this?

Here are some pictures that I took on different occasions during my travel with the local police on stand by. If the cops look like this in my country, it’s either I behave really well, or I’d go really crazy and allow myself to be captured in their arms. Hahahah Kidding!!! 😛

Do you think they have like a “good looking/hotness” factor or requirement to be a cop? Oh.

1. Just across the Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain. 2010

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2. Las Ramblas, Barcelona, Spain. 2010

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3. Istiklal, Istanbul, Turkey

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4. Blue Mosque, Istanbul Turkey

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Whatever tomorrow brings, it’s gonna be okay.

I sincerely do apologize for wasting other people’s time because of my default tardiness. I’ve been like this here at work for as long as I could remember. Well possibly for atleast 28 months… and I can only remember a handful of “on-time” arrival, unfortunately.

I’ve been talked to about this for the nth time and each time, I apologize. I stopped making lame excuses because there really isn’t any excuse. I was just not motivated to get up and go. Sometimes, I wake up very early, then I procrastinate… and so I am late. I’m not proud to say, but I’ve been getting away from being late for atleast 30minutes (before)… then it became an hour. And for the past few days/weeks, it has gradually increased to 1.5-2hours. Shameful 😦

Everytime I go to work and our client/director visits the site (where I am stationed at), I arrive uber late. 😦 In each time that “he” catches my wrong doing, I say a little prayer before I enter the room and tell myself that “whatever it is (in case it’s “firing” day), just accept it. It’s your fault anyway, and it’s not like you can turn back the time and re-do everything.” If I survive that day, then “tomorrow’s another day to make up.” But until now, I haven’t.

I talked to my boss a while ago, regarding my leave. Then, my boss just talked to me that our client/director made an “official complaint” of my tardiness, and my bosses will talk about this next week. I think, there’s a huge possibility that I’m gonna get fired really soon… Either that, or I’d be reprimanded big time.

I used to love what I was doing. Used to. And just so we know, I am only sucking up to this job because it pays well… I don’t want to sound ungrateful (because I am really grateful for this opportunity–especially that it has opened several doors to me), but I really am looking forward to the day when I’d be free of this work and embark on a new adventure. I guess, maybe, staying with this job is like a “monetary comfort zone that destroys my chi from time to time” but could “finance my future doings”. I know I’ve been holding myself back in exploring the possibilities out there. In addition, “working it now” somehow eats up my “now time” because of being obsessed with “preparing for the future.” You know how it is, being consumed with things and sometimes forgetting what’s important.

I’m gonna be okay. It’s gonna be a bit embarrassing though, if I get fired. Oh the consequence. No apologies for that though. I only apologize for wasting people’s time who waited for me. Still don’t know what’s gonna happen. If i get fired, i think i’ll be ok. It’s not like i’m not expecting it. It was only a matter of time. I am lucky enough to be given this chance, and hundreds of chances more to get back up. But I wasted it. If I still have a job after that so-called meeting, then I guess it’s an opportunities to get back up not to waste anymore. Have to be “bibo” just before I resign (which I intend to do this year) so that I could have a graceful future exit.

I know it could be a bittersweet thing. But then again, this possibly closing door could lead me to a lot of window of opportunities.

Anywayyyyyy it ain’t over til it’s over. Why am I even talking about this? I’m not yet fired anyway. Ok, so let’s see what happens next week. Whatever their decision is, I think it’s for the best. I’ll accept.

Aja! Aja! Fighting!!!

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Just in case I die…

1. I want all my functional organs to be donated. A lot of people needs to fulfill their life’s purpose, & if my organs could help them continue whatever it is that they need to do, then they should have it. When people die, we tend to think that their life’s purpose ends in their death. But no, it’s just the beginning of the beautiful eternity (well, atleast that’s what I believe & look forward to). And so, my organs better continue its function through someone else’s body. Maybe it would do good not just to its new owners but also to the people left behind by its former owner (yes, that’s me!).

2. Since I am still single, I want all my monetary assets to go to my mom (it’s not that much though), because she is a wise woman who doesn’t gamble. She knows the value of money really well. Look at us, she has fully invested in our education. Screw material things. I grew up having mostly the essentials. I rarely (when I say rare–like very rare… I had to give a gazillion tantrums before I got my way!!) got extras in terms of material goodies. When I was younger, or course I didn’t know what “value for money” means. I was a materialistic and somehow jealous kid. Booo!!! I resented the fact that we weren’t well off. But of course, as I grew older, I took advantage of the educational investment that my parents put it, and gave in to what’s required of me. And I am damn proud of the kids that my parents have: my siblings and myself counted.

For the 27.5 years of my life, I’ve only lived in rented apartments. My parents had plans of building a house back then. They had planned it several times. It didn’t really push through. When I asked my mom how come it never really happened, she said it was because we can’t really afford it. With the bills and our education, it’s gonna be tough. I then remembered that we had to sell a piece of our land just to pay more bills. Maybe my mom could use the money that I’ve left behind and buy a house for them to live in. My mom with my dad, my siblings, and of course, our extended family. In the Philippines, extended family is synonymous to immediate, if you know what I mean 😉

3. Oh, I want my remains to be cremated too. They could keep my ashes at home, or just spread it in an ocean that they could visit whenever they want to. Land space, the hassle of burying me, and yes, the cost of the land. Not sure about the rest of the list but I think the aforementioned is already a lot. When I die, the people I’ve left behind of course could visit me in my grave. But, when the time comes that they also die, who would visit me then? My grave would just be a waste of space in the graveyard. I don’t want to burden the people I’ve left behind with the bills of the grave lot and the dramatic process. They could set me free in the ocean or store me in an urn if they still can’t let go. It’s practical, less burden, and less heart breaking.

4. They could distribute among themselves all my “valuable” cd collections (I don’t have a lot yet as of the moment, but if I get to live in the next few years, trust me, it’ll grow). They could have it for as long as they want it. I just hope that they listen to it and appreciate it the way that I do. I have bags that my sisters and my mom could have and use. My clothes, they could use it, or if it’s just a sad reminder, they could give it to someone else. All these material things, they could keep, but if it’s painful to be reminded of me with my stuff, then they could give it away or sell it.

5. I intend to develop my pictures in the not-so-distant-future. If in case I die, they could give the picture to the people I’m with (at the picture). Maybe the hard copy that they’ll have could help them remember me, that I once was a part of their lives. With pictures that doesn’t have any familar/known faces, they could sell it (if it’s marketable) or just stare at it… or if it’s a waste, recycle it and turn it into a compost.

6. My wake. Well… I honestly don’t know if a soul could attend such a thing. But I guess, regardless, I would want my wake to be meaningful and not devastatingly sad. I want the people that I’ve left behind to cherish me for the good things, the great memories, and to laugh at the bad and weird ones. I want to feel missed and I want to send that emotion back at them too–that they’ll be missed. I want them to talk about me in a sense of the life that I desired to live, and if in case I’ve missed some things in living my life, that they learn from it and do it for me, so that I would know that missing those details of living my life served its purpose in making others know and realize that it shouldn’t be missed. I just hope that in my wake, rather than have people feel guilt or regret, i’d like them to have that sense of epiphany, amazing realization, sense of relief, & especially for the loved ones, my parents & siblings that I’ve left behind, a room full of love, just the right amount, quite overwhelming & a bit overflowing, especially at that time of need.

7. And, just in case I really die, I hope that this reaches them. I want to tell them that being the weirdly emotional person that I am, at times that I feel really sad (which lately, has been a bit frequent), I imagine myself jumping off a window of a tall building, flying down to my death & forgetting that I am about to die. Sad that it’s a thought of suicide, but no, I won’t do that. Because at times that I am really really sad and imagine that idea, I tell myself that “this too shall pass, and I’ll be okay and back to being a normal thinking person again”. I want to let them know that though I’ve had thoughts of that, I died a normal death (by that, I mean not doing it myself!–so either through an accident or illness) & have submitted myself and my life to the good Lord, living the life that they’ve been a part of, a life of mixed ideas, mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, and (hopefully), a life that is full.

I know (well, not really, but I do hope) that I won’t die anytime soon. I still have A LOT on my bucket-list. From what I’ve heard, those who usually feels or plans how or what their death (and the aftermath) is like, usually dies a bit later. But, just in case, here’s my list.

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Even I confuse myself…

Yes, here I am again bored at work, waiting for the hours to pass by and go home already… killing time by browsing random websites of people or things that randomly came into mind.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for the longest time about a lot of silly things. Wait, no. How can I say it’s silly if it’s bothering me, right? I guess just by thinking that it’s silly makes me gives me both a clearer, and at the same time, a more confused view.

I have a sort of see-saw emotional nature. Sometimes, I couldn’t care less. Sometimes, I care a lot. I want to have an outlook of a hippie, where everything seems nice and beautiful. A view where everything is within reach and you couldn’t care less about things that doesn’t really matter. Just go with the flow of whatever comes your way.

But at the same time, I also want to be more conscious about a lot of things. Things such as environmental awareness, healthier options in food (but I don’t want to be a food snob at the same time), and be a kind-hearted person.

How can I do both at the same time? Care and not care? And how do I know when and where I should and shouldn’t? I’ve been trying to be conscious about all these things that I want to do, and have been trying to do it. But sometimes, I confuse myself.

Since I left my journal to write to, especially now that I need to “re-analyze” and “think… think… think…” Might as well type it down and reread and reanalyze stuff myself.

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