i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Just in case I die…

on April 2, 2012

1. I want all my functional organs to be donated. A lot of people needs to fulfill their life’s purpose, & if my organs could help them continue whatever it is that they need to do, then they should have it. When people die, we tend to think that their life’s purpose ends in their death. But no, it’s just the beginning of the beautiful eternity (well, atleast that’s what I believe & look forward to). And so, my organs better continue its function through someone else’s body. Maybe it would do good not just to its new owners but also to the people left behind by its former owner (yes, that’s me!).

2. Since I am still single, I want all my monetary assets to go to my mom (it’s not that much though), because she is a wise woman who doesn’t gamble. She knows the value of money really well. Look at us, she has fully invested in our education. Screw material things. I grew up having mostly the essentials. I rarely (when I say rare–like very rare… I had to give a gazillion tantrums before I got my way!!) got extras in terms of material goodies. When I was younger, or course I didn’t know what “value for money” means. I was a materialistic and somehow jealous kid. Booo!!! I resented the fact that we weren’t well off. But of course, as I grew older, I took advantage of the educational investment that my parents put it, and gave in to what’s required of me. And I am damn proud of the kids that my parents have: my siblings and myself counted.

For the 27.5 years of my life, I’ve only lived in rented apartments. My parents had plans of building a house back then. They had planned it several times. It didn’t really push through. When I asked my mom how come it never really happened, she said it was because we can’t really afford it. With the bills and our education, it’s gonna be tough. I then remembered that we had to sell a piece of our land just to pay more bills. Maybe my mom could use the money that I’ve left behind and buy a house for them to live in. My mom with my dad, my siblings, and of course, our extended family. In the Philippines, extended family is synonymous to immediate, if you know what I mean 😉

3. Oh, I want my remains to be cremated too. They could keep my ashes at home, or just spread it in an ocean that they could visit whenever they want to. Land space, the hassle of burying me, and yes, the cost of the land. Not sure about the rest of the list but I think the aforementioned is already a lot. When I die, the people I’ve left behind of course could visit me in my grave. But, when the time comes that they also die, who would visit me then? My grave would just be a waste of space in the graveyard. I don’t want to burden the people I’ve left behind with the bills of the grave lot and the dramatic process. They could set me free in the ocean or store me in an urn if they still can’t let go. It’s practical, less burden, and less heart breaking.

4. They could distribute among themselves all my “valuable” cd collections (I don’t have a lot yet as of the moment, but if I get to live in the next few years, trust me, it’ll grow). They could have it for as long as they want it. I just hope that they listen to it and appreciate it the way that I do. I have bags that my sisters and my mom could have and use. My clothes, they could use it, or if it’s just a sad reminder, they could give it to someone else. All these material things, they could keep, but if it’s painful to be reminded of me with my stuff, then they could give it away or sell it.

5. I intend to develop my pictures in the not-so-distant-future. If in case I die, they could give the picture to the people I’m with (at the picture). Maybe the hard copy that they’ll have could help them remember me, that I once was a part of their lives. With pictures that doesn’t have any familar/known faces, they could sell it (if it’s marketable) or just stare at it… or if it’s a waste, recycle it and turn it into a compost.

6. My wake. Well… I honestly don’t know if a soul could attend such a thing. But I guess, regardless, I would want my wake to be meaningful and not devastatingly sad. I want the people that I’ve left behind to cherish me for the good things, the great memories, and to laugh at the bad and weird ones. I want to feel missed and I want to send that emotion back at them too–that they’ll be missed. I want them to talk about me in a sense of the life that I desired to live, and if in case I’ve missed some things in living my life, that they learn from it and do it for me, so that I would know that missing those details of living my life served its purpose in making others know and realize that it shouldn’t be missed. I just hope that in my wake, rather than have people feel guilt or regret, i’d like them to have that sense of epiphany, amazing realization, sense of relief, & especially for the loved ones, my parents & siblings that I’ve left behind, a room full of love, just the right amount, quite overwhelming & a bit overflowing, especially at that time of need.

7. And, just in case I really die, I hope that this reaches them. I want to tell them that being the weirdly emotional person that I am, at times that I feel really sad (which lately, has been a bit frequent), I imagine myself jumping off a window of a tall building, flying down to my death & forgetting that I am about to die. Sad that it’s a thought of suicide, but no, I won’t do that. Because at times that I am really really sad and imagine that idea, I tell myself that “this too shall pass, and I’ll be okay and back to being a normal thinking person again”. I want to let them know that though I’ve had thoughts of that, I died a normal death (by that, I mean not doing it myself!–so either through an accident or illness) & have submitted myself and my life to the good Lord, living the life that they’ve been a part of, a life of mixed ideas, mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, and (hopefully), a life that is full.

I know (well, not really, but I do hope) that I won’t die anytime soon. I still have A LOT on my bucket-list. From what I’ve heard, those who usually feels or plans how or what their death (and the aftermath) is like, usually dies a bit later. But, just in case, here’s my list.

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