i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Blossoming of the Opposites

on November 7, 2012

I thought I should put some illustration to “expand” my artistic side and not make the blog “boring”. 🙂

I’ve been trying to find that place of serenity. I’ve been trying to control my emotions and suppress my instinctive annoyance with pressures from work and the people that sort of triggers it. I’ve been thinking that the best way to be calm when irritation strikes is by trying to breathe in and breathe out, and not minding it at all.

I know that if I continue doing this, then I’d be in a place where I would be at my calmest. But somehow, it fears me that by doing so, I’d start to ignore a lot of issues, whether it matters or not. It could mean that rather than facing and dealing with it, I’d just brush it of, ignore it, bury it, or turn my back on it. It is confusing, actually. I want to think about it, really. I know I will, as I will always be my normal analytic self.

I truly admire those people who are carefree–in thoughts and in actions. I remember having this conversation with a good friend of mine, if he thinks I am a bit uptight or something like that. And his initial reaction was: “where is this coming from?”. Well, I just know I am. At times I try to not care about some things that I do care about (in reference to being uptight and carefree), but most of the time, I fail. Small things like drinking, or “partying” or even giving some sort of impression.

In my opinion, carefree people don’t really mind a lot of these things. They always just “go with the flow”. Drink like there’s no tomorrow, if they want to. Go to clubs and parties, while not giving a shit about who’s gonna be there, who’s watching, and just go wild if they wanted to. And thus, wouldn’t mind if other people becomes judge-y of the impression that the outer appearance/action sends off. Do things the way they want to, giving their best in the moment, and not minding what could happen after that.

I am not like that. Probably only when I get out of my comfort zone–say when I travel abroad where no one knows me and I could do anything and people would laugh then forget about my existence in a day of their lifetime. But then again, I am not like my traveler persona in my daily average life. I am one of those who work, tries to stay on a budget, and save for something (which by the way, I haven’t completely figured out yet!). I am one of those people who “mind” a lot of stuff, whether it be big or small. I am one of those who I think are emotionally incapable of dealing about my emotions. I am one of those whose mind floats whenever it can.

I mind about how people perceive me (actually, only in reference to being a slut). I mean, I am one of those who don’t wanna be judged as slutty or something like “flirting” as always. I prefer being looked upon as a demure (I hope!), conservative kind of woman. I know I am a bit old for that, but to be honest, I really am. I think I got this attitude because of the environment I grew up with. Even in college, being surrounded by guys in the engineering world, I’ve became more of this. Maybe because I figured out what/how they think about slutty women and I don’t wanna be thought of that by my guy friends. Which is why, I feel bothered when I get invited by my girlfriends to go partying/clubbing because that’s where the men are. Don’t get me wrong, I love dancing like crazy–like there’s noone watching! And another thing that I love is the existence of men. But if that thought of just going to be picked up by men is the objective, then chances are, I’m out! And if I am also out there, you probably won’t see me at my wildest. I’m sorry but I just can’t. I see others do it and though it seems like they’re having tons of fun, I apologize for my misjudgment of their wild behavior. I really can’t bear the thought that how I misjudge carefree (potentially crazywild) dancing would also be done to me.

It’s very rare for me to drink like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, if I wanted to, I for sure would probably do it. But chilling out with good friends on weekend house parties where drinks are pretty much unlimited, then I can’t go ga-ga everytime. Plus, I try to keep a balance with my yoga and my diet–drinks included.

I’m not really sure where I’m going here, but somehow, I feel like my direction in terms of being at peace is through suppression. With my preference of not being “carefree” (which a friend of mine also emphasized that could also be led to “carelessness”) and instead, just being laid back–which means I just do yoga routinely, read/write/browse/watch through my laptop, play my guitar, or hangout with good friends through a cup of coffee, a plate of good food, two bottles of beer, a spur of the moment night out at a nearby beer cafe/pub, very seldom nights of dressing up with girlfriends, rock gigs/concerts and wearing my good old chucks, and a once in a blue moon travel adventure outside the country (taking advantage of being a stranger in an “almost” strange-yet-exciting-place), I am somehow content with living in the box.

Sometimes, I wonder who I could meet if I partied a lot. But then again, I tell myself, at the end of the day, they’re also just there to get laid. Which now reminds me of a conversation I also had with a close friend (who shares the same profession as mine), that usually, analytic people’s emotions tends to be suppressed. And people who go to clubs/bars are people who wants to GET LAID, and not the typical LAID BACK person as we think we are/prefer. I agreed. I am not generalizing, just exaggerating, so yes, I apologize.

Oh I know, what a loser, right? For a short period of time, I tried not to be, but at the end of all that, I know that’s not where I wanted to be. That I will never be that person. It was tiring and expensive and ate much of my “me time” which meant, putting a lot of thoughts to ponder.

With that carefree-to-almost-wild-idea being suppressed, embracing my boring/loser box (which I prefer and don’t really think that it’s boring/loser box at all), I am somehow content. I know some things are missing, but I think I would figure out a way in adding it eventually in my life without compromising my preferred “laid back” lifestyle.

Thoughts of “being open”, “finding peace” and “being calm” are still beyond my reach. A lot of my thoughts about these are contradicting each other. But to summarize, I’m trying to figure out ways to “be open” without compromising my beliefs, “finding peace” and “being calm” by accepting things as they are (which could also mean that ignoring it) or by facing/dealing with it and still find serenity after. All these, are confusing me and whenever I think about it, I just go in circles.

On achieving it all, I am not sure. I hope I get there though, without losing myself in the process. I hope I get there and achieve it, and knowing where to draw the line between cowardliness and bravery, of knowing how to deal by accepting, ignoring, or through boxing (metaphorically).

Here’s to accepting my boring life (and very rare spontaneous/random get-away that I ALWAYS look forward to!), being open without losing myself, finding calmness, being at peace, and figuring out how these and its reasons would work together though while we both punch back and forth with my typically uptight self.

Here’s to the “blossoming of the opposites”.

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