i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Moving on with our Continuous Practice called Life.

on November 14, 2012

Lately, I’ve been trying to distance myself from chatting with my roommate. She is, or maybe, was, a good friend. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure with how I feel.

I’ve been trying to avoid saying something, especially if it isn’t all pleasant. Thoughts about “if you’ve got nothing better to say, then shut up” is what I’ve been thinking of, trying to stop myself from spreading bad vibes.

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, my unhappy thoughts and sentiments. For a moment, I become successful. But as nature calls, I can’t change who I am. And so, it flows.

As I was searching for a yoga quote to help a friend win this contest, I ran into this:

“Your yoga begins when you leave the classroom.
It’s how you relate to people and how you relate to the world.
Your yoga is the giving and receiving.
It’s the wellness between inner and outer worlds.

Your yoga is living the purpose of your life.
Your yoga is to spread peace one person at a time.”

Nancy Gerstein

Such inspiring words.

I’ve been trying to keep my calm, be at peace, and walk towards serenity lately through silence and partly suppression of emotions. But I realized, what I’ve been doing isn’t the way it should be.

Just because I am a very emotional human being, who often worries or gets ridiculously sad over small things, doesn’t mean that in order for me to be at that “place”, I have to suppress my emotions and ignore the negativity around me.

Just because I have been used to being very vocal about what I think or how I feel, doesn’t mean that I have to be completely silent like as if there’s no one around me. Where’s the harmony in living a world with people without acknowledging their existence in our lives?

Just because I don’t wanna be friends anymore with this person (another story to tell–I am a bad friend if I kept my friendship–but part of me tells me I am ridiculous and this statement would possibly be ruled out), doesn’t mean I have to treat her like as if we’re strangers in our roof.

Yoga is a constant practice that we need to carry on all the time. It’s not just about being able to build strength or enhance flexibility. (Metaphorically and non metaphorically speaking) It is constant practice that allows us to breathe in and out continuously. It allows us to flow with our actions, our movements. It tells us to hold on, focus, and be still. It teaches us to open our hearts and our minds, stay conscious and always be mindful. It asks us to listen and know our own body and feel what is right for us. It is becoming at peace with ourselves, with our own thoughts, with our own actions, without any judgement. And as what most of my yoga instructors have spoken of, we should carry it on with us not just inside the classroom, but even after we step out. And that’s where the true challenge of being at peace begins.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say (and would be trying to do), is in order for me to be at peace with myself, I have to acknowledge my emotions when they need to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t suppress them, otherwise, they would burst. Like in yoga, when we can’t hold a pose, we make adjustments as this is what our bodies tell us. Thus, we have to acknowledge how we feel inside. Only then we could do what we’re supposed to do, whether be it in taking actions in how we feel–laugh, cry, think, or talk, or as in yoga, adjust our pose for the benefits it could provide to our body.

With maintaining my calm at work, I guess, to date it has been successful. And that makes me give myself a pat on the back.

Now, as for dealing with the silence in the house, it confuses me if I should start an open forum (the term confrontation scares me) with my roommate about why I haven’t been acting the same way as I did before. I am still hurt about what had happened and this level of hurt is usually the one which goes unnoticed unless being told with. It’s the kind of hurt that gives me a very hard time to talk about and just tells me to runaway. I fear that if we reach the level of confrontation, this present awkwardness would elevate and I don’t want for that to happen. It’s more peaceful this way, with my insides being torn apart of heartache, saving everyone else from the potential future disaster. It’s better this way, while my roommate unconsciously benefits of not knowing anything—anything but mere awkward silence. It’s better that way than for me to tell her what went wrong and with the situation not allowing us to take back the words that were fired upon.

I know that though I am trying to keep the peace in this house, it still isn’t right. By being silent, I am able to limit myself from expressing my thoughts and emotions, which meant that I am limiting myself from being hurt, and limiting myself to hurt others. Limiting the disappointments. Suppression of words, not thoughts. A pause in the unspoken chaos. There’s peace in silence. But I’m not entirely sure. In this case, is there? I know that I probably am not doing the right thing. But this is the best deal I could give myself this moment. I am confused on what to do and how to deal with it.

Yoga tells us to listen to what our body tells us. Life, tells us to listen. When we stop and take a pause, we are allowed to look, listen, and feel. Inside the classroom, our instructor is there to guide us. In our continuous practice, in our life, we don’t. It is a bit of a struggle to put all of these into our daily practice, and much harder because at crossroads, we don’t really know what to do. Sometimes, we get confused if we should take a step back and adjust to what we’ve been used to (whether in yoga pose or in dealing with most of the situation), or challenge ourselves to the next level. But we have to listen to ourselves.

Inside the classroom, the usual 1.5 hours of practice deals with breathing, focus and concentration to achieve the poses, to strengthen our minds and our bodies, to meditate, to be present. We could adjust our pose in one or two breaths. Outside the classroom, the rest of our practice goes on and we could apply the same. The rest of our practice is a lot more challenging, for we deal with different people, different circumstances, different emotions. But we are still lucky, because we’re not forced to dealing with it in one or two breaths. We are given more than that, to pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. It is a continuous practice. Yoga is. And life, well, of course it is.

Now, it’s time for me to continue. To pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. I should, and I will, continuously.

Namaste.

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