i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

remembering a perspective after a big yet “small” senseless regret

on December 3, 2012

As I sit on the plane, mentally beating myself up because of the fact that I didn’t grab the opportunity to buy pashminas (seriously bummed about it!!!) in Nepal because of several reasons (I got a huge headache from morning til before lunch which could be caused by a hangover, pms, the previous day’s hike, the weather, pollution, or all of the above), several thoughts started to sink in.

I know that I would eventually get over the missed opportunity of buying those–they are in fact just material things. I just feel bad that I wasn’t able to get one for my mom and my grandma. I feel really bad about taking too much time with my headache that I wasn’t able to walk much earlier and not going to the money exchange when I had the opportunity to do so because of not realizing immediately that I might get short. Just when I became ok, I focused first in the keychains then got distracted with the accessories, not realizing immediately that it would be really nice to buy one for my mom, myself, and my grandma. I feel bummed, really!

So materialistic, seems that way. Maybe it’s karma, because I bargained too much. Or maybe somehow I became selfish. Or maybe it’s just a chain reaction of a flaw in my actions that led to it. Or maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

It seems pretty shallow, I know. But sometimes, I tend to think more about these little things, because it could’ve meant something big for someone else. I pray for this self-beating to go away fast! I have more thoughts that I need to ponder on. Much more important things to think about.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I finally did. A lot of people asked me to think about it first. A lot of them asked me too if I was sure. I have thought a lot about it. And of course, I will never be sure.

The past few weeks became really tough for me. I almost had a falling out with a very good friend of mine. It was soooo heartbreaking because we’re like sisters and it was really painful to be in that process. I have never felt so alone back then. I guess somehow, that triggered for me to make the decision that I should leave.

During that time, when I was really down, it got me thinking: maybe I should leave now. Everyone around me are moving on with their lives, making drastic changes with their future. Changes such as jobs, being in a commitment, starting families, or doing something else. I know that my life in Dubai is somehow nice. To be honest, I think I really got lucky along the way, because it has become really convenient and cozy to live there. But then again, I have always been thinking about making changes. I have always been planning to take longer trips… Or probably take some courses back home or abroad. Finally get an operation to help my back and hopefully lessen my undying insecurity. Hopefully connect with a soulmate… Or live somewhere else and start anew.

All these thoughts, these new adventures, they are exciting. I’ve always thought about it but I always procrastinate. And somehow, during that low point of mine, I asked myself: “what am I waiting for?” “If it could happen sooner and if I have been preparing for it, why do I have to wait longer?”

Me and my good friend eventually talked and it really took off that huge pain in my chest. The moment we made up, I forgot that feeling of sorrow. And I know that our friendship just became stronger. I didn’t realize how strong a bond could be if that didn’t happen. I honestly thought that that was it for us. I actually accepted it already, that we can’t be friends anymore. But the moment we became honest, everything fell to the right place perfectly.

But I am still leaving Dubai. I guess the past few weeks have given more perspective. The convenience is hard to let go, and I will forever be grateful for a lot of opportunities that was given to me in the past. There’s just so much to be thankful for. Countless memories to share. It has been a very amazing journey. And though this chapter of my life is about to close, opening a new one is something to look forward to.

During my hike yesterday, the conversations I had with my fellow hikers made me realize how short our life really is. There is so much to do, to see, to experience and to appreciate in this world with so little time. Maybe I don’t wanna die at 60. Maybe I prefer dying at 80 or even more. And if I wait any longer, the time might come that I will regret not doing the things that I wasn’t able to do and beat myself for the rest of my adult or elderly life. And these changes could create a chain of reaction that my life has been looking forward to. And i don’t want to live a life “just always looking forward to it” and not really doing it. I don’t want to wait until it is too late and always wonder: “What if?”.

Not being able to buy the pashmina is a bit of a bummer, but it is something I could move on from easily. But waiting and waiting to find the perfect time to take a risk and make changes in life and eventually miss out that opportunity is something else. Material things come and go. They could be seen, bought, or even be given. It comes in different forms and it could be something that could be very meaningful to someone else. But I guess, if we miss getting some things and beat ourselves up, in a certain period of time, we would eventually forget about it. After all, they are just material things.

But for our new found life perspective, if we miss out in chasing our dreams, then that is something else. True that sometimes, our life’s plans don’t go as we planned for it to be. It is human nature to evolve and to make changes along the way. But not taking a step at all is something harder to live for once we realize it’s too late.

I believe that there is a right time for each of us to be “at home” in terms of accepting life as it is and finally “just being there” comfortably, wherever that may be. Something like “I’ve been there, done that, and I am okay with this, and this is the place (metaphorically speaking) where I want my life to finally be.” Good for those who are finally in that place. But for some of us who are waiting and searching that path, the only way to get there is to start now.

I have less than two weeks to run errands and work before I finally settle back home. I am expecting the adjustment to be a bit tough and would probably regret for rushing it all in. But maybe, just maybe, it would give me another perspective.

Regret is not a healthy option for us. We are prone to it and most of the time, it is inevitable. Our thoughts and actions now defines how our life would be come. Fate, I believe, surprises us especially when we’re off guard. Sometimes, it also leads us to a better path. It comes in different forms and whichever direction we prefer, something will also be there. We could pass up on material things because it is a lot easier to move on to. And usually, our materialism ties us unwillingly in so many ways. But for life, passing up on it “now” thinking that we could do it later is something else. Our life is short and it is really special. We could make it the way we want for it to be. Life’s regret is not as easy as the regret of not being able to get material things. I don’t want for that to happen, losing time, not having enough time. Surely, acceptance of the future’s present would come eventually. But life is short to even linger in denial before the acceptance part.

Whether it be small or big, we should not miss up when life gives us the opportunity that we want. We might get confused along the way, and that’s not really a bad thing. Confusion means choices and it just means that we could redefine our future. If we choose not to take what is presented in front of us and instead accept what has been comfortable, then that doesn’t mean that we made a wrong move of not making changes. Maybe it just isn’t the right time. Or maybe, we’ve found the place where we want ourselves to be.

We could only do so much with our little time in this world. It is only upto us on how we want for it to be.

Here’s to turning regrets/denials into having new perspectives.

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