i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Allowing myself to feel today.

Time and again, I allow myself to feel. I acknowledge the myriad of feelings that want to burst out from my heart, whether it be the over-the-top-kind-of-happiness, or the drowning-to-the-bottom-kind-of-loneliness. All these emotions, I acknowledge and allow.

We have the right to feel and it is healthier to acknowledge it and to allow ourselves to feel. No matter how painful it is.

But that’s not the end of it. I also have to allow myself to put back the pieces of myself when I am very down. I can’t say that I am successful to date, but that doesn’t matter. Because right now, I know that I am evolving, and I know that I am still a work in progress.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and say I am content, I am happy, I am complete, and I live a full life. But that remains to be seen and known tomorrow.

Today, I feel sad, even lonely. I feel incomplete and confused as to where my life is headed. And today, I feel heartbroken not by someone but by fate. That is how I feel today.

Some days I feel hopeful, some days I feel that I have been treated unfairly by fate. But all in all, I am feel grateful with the things that I have.

I can’t say that I wish I knew how things are when tomorrow comes. Because I am also scared if I don’t like it. I can only hope that things are better.

We have the right to feel. We should acknowledge and allow ourselves. But at the same time, we should also pull ourselves up when we are down. What we’re not allowed to do is to let struggle take over us. Not to let fear overtake our lives. We may feel scared, lonely, and resentful. But we should not let ourselves suffer by our emotions. Not let the situation take over our lives. There is always a silver lining and we should try to look for it. If we can’t find it yet, then we have to keep moving forward and remind ourselves that we are strong. Maybe at that point we aren’t. We can acknowledge that too but we have to keep in mind that at some point we were and that shall come out again. Or better yet, think that this phase will only make us better and stronger.

Point is, we have to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel. But we can’t allow our misery to keep us from moving forward.

Tomorrow, maybe I can be happier. But today, this day… I acknowledge that I am not. Today, I will fix my application to travel. Today, I will talk and have a more meaningful conversation. Today, I have written again. Then atleast now I can say that tomorrow, I am a step ahead from where I was yesterday.

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

Sunset

Okay. I just thought I should also share my exact feelings right now, having the sun set in the background while I sit back and think here at the 17F. Not really good at this though… so please bear with me! 🙂

Sunset

The sun was blinding and almost set
I wonder right now, where is your mind at?
I haven’t seen you nor touched your face
And I could only hope that you have that gaze.

The kind of gaze that I long to see
Burning through my soul, intently, unwavering
Oh you make my heart tremble, you don’t have a clue
I could only hope I’m watching the sun set with you.

By now the sun stares right at my eyes
I can’t look ahead, except let it grace my life
Right now you probably don’t have a clue
That you’ve claimed my heart from the start, yes, you do.

Even with the skyscrapers, the circle of the sun
Can’t be swayed, very fierce to be stunned
Now I wonder how long it would take
To have it disappear again and set my prayers straight.

Last season I claimed you in my life
Through my prayers, I claimed with faith in my mind
This beautiful sunset made me poetic for you
Ever since I’ve seen it, it has been my favorite view.

For years I’ve witnessed it here and there
But I know that it will never compare
To have your hand intertwined with mine
To have your love wrapped up and around in mine

Even when the sun has set and the day went to an end
The beauty it holds take away my breath
My dear, my love, it reminds me of you
Because I know, every day, it’s always due

To come to me, to come to my life
To never miss a beat when it comes in sight
God know how much I love to see
It’s enchanting beauty specially cause you’re with me.

Leave a comment »

Is it really okay to get lost?

Because this is how I feel right now. I thought that by this time, by this age, I got things figured out. Not having a five year plan or a vision of my future is not something I’ve imagined. But how come I am in this unwanted confusion at the age of 30? Haven’t I been through it already some two years ago? What if my ultimate goal is to just have a content life? If I got lucky, to have a blissful one. But what about the other things? I think everything else is just as important. Career, love, and the direction that comes with it. I know I am the one who’s stopping myself. But I can’t seem to move past that right now. I don’t want to attribute being lost with being scared. I probably am both. I wish I could figure things out right now.

1 Comment »

Well, well.. What do you know!

I would’ve said “I enjoy long walks on the beach.” But, frankly, I prefer to sit, watch the sun set, observe, talk and listen. Life is amazing. Love is.

Goodness.

Leave a comment »

Claiming your heart’s content: What do YOU really want?

You want to.

You need to.

You have to.

But, will you?

It is true that we can’t have everything that we want. Sometimes, we think that we can’t even have that one thing that we really want. But the question is, do we really want it bad enough? Really?

The past few weeks have been quite insightful. Thoughts and talks about allowing yourself the possibility even if you’re not yet a hundred percent sure on what’s going to happen (it’s not like we can always be sure!) and allowing things to unfold in front of you. Something like doing your part and letting the universe conspire.

“If it’s meant to be, then it will happen.”

“Do your part and let the world do the rest.”

“It won’t just come knocking on your door. You have to at least put yourself out there.”

Today, I watched Jim Carrrey’s commencement address at Maharishi University of Management, and trust me, it was really moving! (If you haven’t seen it yet, then I suggest you check it out too.)

He said it best when he mentioned that sometimes, we choose “fear disguised as practicality.” It is true. We all want to do this and that, “but we can’t.” “Not just yet.”” We have to do something else first to ensure our so-called future.

I guess, at the end of the day, we don’t really want it bad enough. We are good with settling. We are good with the future regardless of what we do in the present. And when we are “present in our future”, who knows what happened our past.

Mr. Carrey’s speech is very timely in my present state, to which he has profoundly stated the things that I know but still needed to hear.

Maybe we should ask ourselves: What do we really want?

Maybe for some, practicality isn’t the disguise of fear but the love for _______. Whatever that may be! Or there may be a myriad of reasons for that as well.

But for some of us who knows that this—(NOW) is not enough unless we take that “leap”, then I guess the next question should be, “If Not Now, When?”

We should acknowledge the complexity inside of us, figure our our heart’s content, and submit to it. Allow the rest to take place, embrace that beautiful present and evolve to the person you want to be.

—————————————–

There… so before bed time, let’s figure out our heart’s content. Let’s ask ourselves, what are the things that will fill our heart’s desire? What will make our lives full? What inspires us? What moves us? Whether it’s for selfish or selfless reasons, we should define it and answer, “What do we really want?” Until we figure it out, we can move to the next question.

For now,, that’s a start.

Leave a comment »

When Some Things Change, Would You Do The Same?

It’s amazing how people change and yet our relationship with them doesn’t. I’ve always wondered, if I’ve only met them now, with the new version of themselves, would I be friends with them? Or, would I be considered a “friend material” with how I’ve changed too? Maybe. or, maybe not. But regardless. I think, we meet people because it’s fate. But logically, because it’s good for humanity. There’s always something good even in the deepest and darkest hour. Like a silver lining. They help us become who we are, and in turn we do the same. We change too, you know. And together, we adapt with the changes of the other party. We grow. We learn a thing or two. We find deeper meaning in similarities and differences. We find comfort in the traditional, the old fashioned, the usual. We find excitement in something new, unusual, and exquisite. We learn what we want and what we don’t. And we learn to adapt or move on and let go. Either way, it’s all good.

Leave a comment »

I Want to be the Best Version of Me.

Just a short one.

This past few days, I’ve been thinking, dreaming of the things that I want to do once I am able to do it (I am currently recovering from a spine surgery). It mainly focuses on travelling. Next is possibly studying, and then hopefully getting a job. Oh and community service.

Over the past few weeks, I realized that I might not be the kind of person who works best with a family. In short, I don’t think I like the idea of being in charge at home, of being reliable, of adapting from being independent and selfish to being a household family person.

That’s another story.

Reading blogs over the past few days made me reassess my bucketlist. Mine’s a weird and funny one, relatively compared to most that I’ve read. And then I thought, I want to be the best version of me.

To tell you quite frankly, I want to eventually take part on a mission, to do good will once I am set to go and venture the world. But then again, charity begins at home.

I am going around right now, opening new topics and saying bits and pieces of myself.

Back to my thinking… so last night, as I lay in bed at 3 am, I’ve concluded that I have to give myself a month of being the best version of me:

Of being the most selfless me at home.

Of being the most reliable me at home.

Of being the most loving daughter and most understanding sibling.

Of being the funniest and sociable extended family.

Of being the least sarcastic conversationalist.

Of smiling more.

Of not dwelling.

I want to be the best version of me right now. And a month may seem short, but being the usual unreliable, lazy, smart alleck, opinionated family member such as myself, each day could be a challenge.

I’ve always complained of how annoyed I am with my father. But in reality, I’ve got some of his bad habits and I can’t deny it. This is one of the reasons that made me realize (and accept the possibility) of just being an “individual” and not submit to the social norm of adapting to a family.

This is the time for me to overcome it, while I am still allowed to do so.

Now that I am living at home with the rest of my immediate family, it’s time to submit myself to what the situation presents.

Although I might not be the worst person in the world, I want to be a better one. I always pray for that, and now is the time to overcome and be the best me.

Leave a comment »

Trying too hard to suppress awkwardness: is it worth it?

Sometimes, we find ourselves trying too hard for an awkward situation not to be awkward. However, no matter how hard we try, some things are just inevitable.

While sorting out some files, I happen to run by a few pictures taken years ago in one of my birthday celebrations thousands of miles away from my immediate family. In my culture, birthdays are always celebrated with lots of food and the celebrant is usually the one who treats all the guests. During that time, I lived in a country where I am mostly surrounded with an ethnically diverse group of people, apart from my friends who are just doors away and extended family who are an hour of drive from where I lived.

Let me tell you this first: I love my family, even my extended ones. I am also very particular with my hierarchy of loyalty. Next to God is family. So unless I am brutally betrayed by a family, that’s probably the only time that I would consider turning my back on them. Either that or unreasonable mood swings.

I gotta be honest, I am only really close to a few people on this extended family of mine in that part of the world. I know exactly why, and no matter how hard I try to mask those reasons, they’re just there. But I always try.

Let me get back on the picture. The thing is, upon looking at the birthday celebration picture I had with them, I had a flashback of memory: I was trying hard to really like this people that I was celebrating my birthday with during that time, like as if I really loved it. I was trying. No matter how good I (or we) looked at the picture, no matter how happy we all were, I knew that I was trying hard.

Now, here’s a bit of my confusion. How hard can we try for things not to feel like were trying too hard? Or should we just give it up and move on? I mean, what if they’re family? Should we still continue trying to suppress the awkwardness or atleast to mask that feeling of “trying too hard” or should we just let go? If it’s not hurting anybody, is it okay to just go with it? Or is it better to get real and face the possible consequence of being placed in the “non-existent family member/forgotten person” box?

Leave a comment »

Something Exciting: To allow myself to evolve means to allow my plans to evolve too

The funny thing about planning our future is that no matter how “planned” it could be, chances are, it would still change. The fact that I am going to stay jobless for quite some time (because I plan on having a surgery for my scoliosis), means that I can’t make solid plans until then, until I actually fully recover. What I like about it is that I can actually do whatever I want after that.

What seems relevant for me to do now might not be relevant to do eventually. My last job (which is similar to what I’ve been doing over the past 6 years) is actually an upto-date skill based, and thus, if I can’t work and rekindle it in a period of a year, it could mean that I might have to look for other options to reintegrate myself in the telco business to be relevant.

A few weeks ago, I envisioned myself in a year or so to finally resume my extended vacation (post op). This includes securing a student permit somewhere in Europe so that I could go travel to the places that I haven’t been to yet. Of course an Asian trip, US trip, World Cup trip, and a Philippine trip are included. So that would be another year of not pursuing a career. Emphasis to  traveling everywhere. A dream that I so want to pursue.

But this weekend, I went to one of those beautiful beaches here in the Philippines (that I originally thought as overrated before I even got there–I was wrong!) and it was A-MA-ZING!!! I went to Boracay. I now know why everyone loved that place. To be honest, I thought I preferred a place of pure beauty and serenity. Boracay is beautiful but I must say, it isn’t purely serene. It is developed and commercialized over the past few years, which gave me a reason to doubt it even before setting foot. But as I got there, it grew on me. My fondness of it is the same fondness I have for Manila. It’s a mixture of the things that I love and the things that I hate, but overall, I know I could live there and I would love it.

Who could resist this?!?!!!???!!!??Image

And now, as I think of the things that I want to do in the next year or so, I am more open to other possibilities. A possibility of just relocating to a remote island somewhere in the Philippines (or even in Boracay) and staying there for a while. Another possibility is to just go and find my way here in the country or just in Southeast Asia.

Of course there’s this idea of actually having someone with me (hopefully!) by then. But being single, a bit successful (as per my personal standard) and really independent over the past few years, finally having someone might come as a bit of a challenge for me. But last December, I moved back home. Since I don’t really have a place of my own (since I didn’t want to finalize where I actually want to settle as well as having debts that would restrict me from making quick moving plans should I want to), I am currently living back at my parents’. And it’s more practical that way since they would be the one taking care of me should I finally get my surgery.

Moving back home felt a bit weird at first. On the first night that I went out, my dad actually called and texted me if I wanted for him to pick me up! And was really worried that I wasn’t home yet. It was 10 PM. WHAT??? And when my mom got home, I actually felt annoyed by small questions of what I want to do, or where I want to put things and all that. I felt like I was treated like a kid. And I cracked. Seriously cracked. I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It’s just that I have been alone and independent for a long time, and someone looking out for me or taking care of me was a bit of a challenge at first. But now, I am already adjusting. I think so are they. 🙂

To plan for the future is exciting and overwhelming. Especially since there are a lot of possibilities and room for changes each and every single day. Our growth is constant. Changes are constant. And thus, our needs and our desires would definitely vary over time. The anticipation that I used to get when I was still studying in college, of what my future would be, is the same anticipation that I am currently having. I could write it the way I want to when I actually start getting there.  Anything is possible.

As I do my yoga practice earlier, I thought to again start saying an intention. My intention was to allow myself to evolve, to allow myself to just go with the flow and do what I need to do during my practice. To be fluid and not to restrict myself with an ideal flow. Just allow myself. Allow myself to evolve both through my yoga practice, and through life, with the plans to change from time to time, and my view and attitude in dealing with the changes brought up around me.

I don’t know yet what I am really going to do after my surgery. I have to actually start the process of consulting an Orthopedic surgeon (again) first and pump up the volume for the party. And along with it, I should allow myself to evolve so that when I get there, I will be a better person.

It is going to be really exciting, that unforeseen future. It is going to be awesome, because that’s how I want my life to be. But for now, atleast for the next few weeks, I have to get healthy, consult a doctor, attend a festival, go to a wedding, and finally have an operation… And of course after that, to hope and pray that everything is okay and successful.

1 Comment »

Temporarily BUMMING Around: Claiming my reward after a FULL 4Q of 2012, or must I say a blessed 6.5 years of work

A lot has happened over the past few months, since the last time I visited this blog. I haven’t even updated this blog with stuff that I feel I should’ve taken notes of even before my last update!

Anyway, tonight is a good time to start.

The past few months have been really fast, specifically the last quarter of 2012.

September had been a fruitful month of travelling, and having weekend dinner dates or partying with good friends. It was also the time of contract/”market value” haggling with my then-future employer.

Europe 2012 summary

October, well, it was the time of me re-thinking about my career move, granted that I sealed the deal with my then-future employer. Re-thinking because at that time, I’ve already made some sort of 2013 plans that are life-changing in a BIG way for me. October was also the month when I sought for higher guidance from God because I felt a bit lost in my own “new-found” world (I don’t know how I became some sort of a “party-girl” almost always “out and about” on top of my typical dinner or movie weekends). Thus, this was the time I reassessed my routine after realizing that this new lifestyle isn’t for me (to be specific, I prefer to be the boring one. I like being laid back :D).

October

I filled my November with activities such as volunteering for various organizations, visiting galleries, and some long weekend out of town. I’ve been feeling lost and I thought, these activities would put me back on my feet. Somehow, it did. However, November was also the time I had been emotionally exhausted because of having this silent conflict with my BFF. It was then when I realized that the life I am currently living isn’t enough anymore. I was and still am very blessed with a lot of things, but I know that this was the time I had to acknowledge that I shouldn’t procrastinate and deny the things that are missing in my life. This was the time that I had to put on a lot of thinking and have acknowledged that this is the right time that I had to make changes in my life. I have concluded that in order for me to move forward, I have to finally be willing to close this chapter of my book. In simpler terms, pack my things and go, start anew. I had to be courageous to let go of whatever was holding me back. This was the right time and after months/years of procrastination, I did it! That conflict was a blessing in disguise. All that see-saw decision making back in September, just when I thought it was over, had been revisited and re-concluded. 🙂

Sweet November

December came by really quickly. I managed to go to Kathmandu in Nepal and did my first trek EVER (even though I was completely unprepared) and saw the Himalayas from afar–at the top of the Shivapuri Hill! After that weekend, I spent the remaining 2 weeks in Dubai going to work on daytime, packing my stuff at nighttime, yoga classes on Mondays & Wednesdays and having send off dinners/parties  with loved ones in between. Then just in time I arrived here in the Philippines, I went straight to the couturier for the fitting of my gown (I was a bridesmaid after all!). 2 days after that, I attended the wedding.

DECEMBER

Only after Christmas that my time became really relaxed. I just went wherever they planned to go. Ate whatever is available to eat. And of course, slept and watched TV in between. It was the life that I never thought I would experience. On my 3rd week of bumming around, I suddenly thought of finding something to do, like part time online. But I immediately erased that idea because I know that thought would trigger my brain cells and tell me that I NEED TO DO WORK ON SOMETHING NOW, which would eventually lead me to actually start looking for something to do, and stress me out because I can’t find anything to do. Yes, I erased that thought and even if it walks by me from time to time, I try to not acknowledge it. This might sound crazy or even stupid, but I guess now is the time to actually enjoy not doing anything at all. And trust me, it is awesome. After working for the past 6.5 years continuously, this is the break that I need. Though I go on vacations from time to time in the past years, those vacations don’t really involve “not doing anything”. And this is the very first time I actually did it.

I am very much grateful for the past few years of being busy, working and travelling, earning and indulging. I am very grateful for all that. And after quitting my job last year and currently not working, I know I am still very blessed because not everyone is given the opportunity to enjoy sleeping and eating and watching TV without worrying so much about tomorrow. I know I would eventually feel the need to start moving again, but for now, I appreciate this kind of lifestyle. 🙂

Once I start my 2013 plan and complete it, then I will start to get back on my feet and hopefully go back to the jungle. AYAYAYAYAY!!!

Leave a comment »