i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

remembering a perspective after a big yet “small” senseless regret

As I sit on the plane, mentally beating myself up because of the fact that I didn’t grab the opportunity to buy pashminas (seriously bummed about it!!!) in Nepal because of several reasons (I got a huge headache from morning til before lunch which could be caused by a hangover, pms, the previous day’s hike, the weather, pollution, or all of the above), several thoughts started to sink in.

I know that I would eventually get over the missed opportunity of buying those–they are in fact just material things. I just feel bad that I wasn’t able to get one for my mom and my grandma. I feel really bad about taking too much time with my headache that I wasn’t able to walk much earlier and not going to the money exchange when I had the opportunity to do so because of not realizing immediately that I might get short. Just when I became ok, I focused first in the keychains then got distracted with the accessories, not realizing immediately that it would be really nice to buy one for my mom, myself, and my grandma. I feel bummed, really!

So materialistic, seems that way. Maybe it’s karma, because I bargained too much. Or maybe somehow I became selfish. Or maybe it’s just a chain reaction of a flaw in my actions that led to it. Or maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

It seems pretty shallow, I know. But sometimes, I tend to think more about these little things, because it could’ve meant something big for someone else. I pray for this self-beating to go away fast! I have more thoughts that I need to ponder on. Much more important things to think about.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I finally did. A lot of people asked me to think about it first. A lot of them asked me too if I was sure. I have thought a lot about it. And of course, I will never be sure.

The past few weeks became really tough for me. I almost had a falling out with a very good friend of mine. It was soooo heartbreaking because we’re like sisters and it was really painful to be in that process. I have never felt so alone back then. I guess somehow, that triggered for me to make the decision that I should leave.

During that time, when I was really down, it got me thinking: maybe I should leave now. Everyone around me are moving on with their lives, making drastic changes with their future. Changes such as jobs, being in a commitment, starting families, or doing something else. I know that my life in Dubai is somehow nice. To be honest, I think I really got lucky along the way, because it has become really convenient and cozy to live there. But then again, I have always been thinking about making changes. I have always been planning to take longer trips… Or probably take some courses back home or abroad. Finally get an operation to help my back and hopefully lessen my undying insecurity. Hopefully connect with a soulmate… Or live somewhere else and start anew.

All these thoughts, these new adventures, they are exciting. I’ve always thought about it but I always procrastinate. And somehow, during that low point of mine, I asked myself: “what am I waiting for?” “If it could happen sooner and if I have been preparing for it, why do I have to wait longer?”

Me and my good friend eventually talked and it really took off that huge pain in my chest. The moment we made up, I forgot that feeling of sorrow. And I know that our friendship just became stronger. I didn’t realize how strong a bond could be if that didn’t happen. I honestly thought that that was it for us. I actually accepted it already, that we can’t be friends anymore. But the moment we became honest, everything fell to the right place perfectly.

But I am still leaving Dubai. I guess the past few weeks have given more perspective. The convenience is hard to let go, and I will forever be grateful for a lot of opportunities that was given to me in the past. There’s just so much to be thankful for. Countless memories to share. It has been a very amazing journey. And though this chapter of my life is about to close, opening a new one is something to look forward to.

During my hike yesterday, the conversations I had with my fellow hikers made me realize how short our life really is. There is so much to do, to see, to experience and to appreciate in this world with so little time. Maybe I don’t wanna die at 60. Maybe I prefer dying at 80 or even more. And if I wait any longer, the time might come that I will regret not doing the things that I wasn’t able to do and beat myself for the rest of my adult or elderly life. And these changes could create a chain of reaction that my life has been looking forward to. And i don’t want to live a life “just always looking forward to it” and not really doing it. I don’t want to wait until it is too late and always wonder: “What if?”.

Not being able to buy the pashmina is a bit of a bummer, but it is something I could move on from easily. But waiting and waiting to find the perfect time to take a risk and make changes in life and eventually miss out that opportunity is something else. Material things come and go. They could be seen, bought, or even be given. It comes in different forms and it could be something that could be very meaningful to someone else. But I guess, if we miss getting some things and beat ourselves up, in a certain period of time, we would eventually forget about it. After all, they are just material things.

But for our new found life perspective, if we miss out in chasing our dreams, then that is something else. True that sometimes, our life’s plans don’t go as we planned for it to be. It is human nature to evolve and to make changes along the way. But not taking a step at all is something harder to live for once we realize it’s too late.

I believe that there is a right time for each of us to be “at home” in terms of accepting life as it is and finally “just being there” comfortably, wherever that may be. Something like “I’ve been there, done that, and I am okay with this, and this is the place (metaphorically speaking) where I want my life to finally be.” Good for those who are finally in that place. But for some of us who are waiting and searching that path, the only way to get there is to start now.

I have less than two weeks to run errands and work before I finally settle back home. I am expecting the adjustment to be a bit tough and would probably regret for rushing it all in. But maybe, just maybe, it would give me another perspective.

Regret is not a healthy option for us. We are prone to it and most of the time, it is inevitable. Our thoughts and actions now defines how our life would be come. Fate, I believe, surprises us especially when we’re off guard. Sometimes, it also leads us to a better path. It comes in different forms and whichever direction we prefer, something will also be there. We could pass up on material things because it is a lot easier to move on to. And usually, our materialism ties us unwillingly in so many ways. But for life, passing up on it “now” thinking that we could do it later is something else. Our life is short and it is really special. We could make it the way we want for it to be. Life’s regret is not as easy as the regret of not being able to get material things. I don’t want for that to happen, losing time, not having enough time. Surely, acceptance of the future’s present would come eventually. But life is short to even linger in denial before the acceptance part.

Whether it be small or big, we should not miss up when life gives us the opportunity that we want. We might get confused along the way, and that’s not really a bad thing. Confusion means choices and it just means that we could redefine our future. If we choose not to take what is presented in front of us and instead accept what has been comfortable, then that doesn’t mean that we made a wrong move of not making changes. Maybe it just isn’t the right time. Or maybe, we’ve found the place where we want ourselves to be.

We could only do so much with our little time in this world. It is only upto us on how we want for it to be.

Here’s to turning regrets/denials into having new perspectives.

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Moving on with our Continuous Practice called Life.

Lately, I’ve been trying to distance myself from chatting with my roommate. She is, or maybe, was, a good friend. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure with how I feel.

I’ve been trying to avoid saying something, especially if it isn’t all pleasant. Thoughts about “if you’ve got nothing better to say, then shut up” is what I’ve been thinking of, trying to stop myself from spreading bad vibes.

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, my unhappy thoughts and sentiments. For a moment, I become successful. But as nature calls, I can’t change who I am. And so, it flows.

As I was searching for a yoga quote to help a friend win this contest, I ran into this:

“Your yoga begins when you leave the classroom.
It’s how you relate to people and how you relate to the world.
Your yoga is the giving and receiving.
It’s the wellness between inner and outer worlds.

Your yoga is living the purpose of your life.
Your yoga is to spread peace one person at a time.”

Nancy Gerstein

Such inspiring words.

I’ve been trying to keep my calm, be at peace, and walk towards serenity lately through silence and partly suppression of emotions. But I realized, what I’ve been doing isn’t the way it should be.

Just because I am a very emotional human being, who often worries or gets ridiculously sad over small things, doesn’t mean that in order for me to be at that “place”, I have to suppress my emotions and ignore the negativity around me.

Just because I have been used to being very vocal about what I think or how I feel, doesn’t mean that I have to be completely silent like as if there’s no one around me. Where’s the harmony in living a world with people without acknowledging their existence in our lives?

Just because I don’t wanna be friends anymore with this person (another story to tell–I am a bad friend if I kept my friendship–but part of me tells me I am ridiculous and this statement would possibly be ruled out), doesn’t mean I have to treat her like as if we’re strangers in our roof.

Yoga is a constant practice that we need to carry on all the time. It’s not just about being able to build strength or enhance flexibility. (Metaphorically and non metaphorically speaking) It is constant practice that allows us to breathe in and out continuously. It allows us to flow with our actions, our movements. It tells us to hold on, focus, and be still. It teaches us to open our hearts and our minds, stay conscious and always be mindful. It asks us to listen and know our own body and feel what is right for us. It is becoming at peace with ourselves, with our own thoughts, with our own actions, without any judgement. And as what most of my yoga instructors have spoken of, we should carry it on with us not just inside the classroom, but even after we step out. And that’s where the true challenge of being at peace begins.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say (and would be trying to do), is in order for me to be at peace with myself, I have to acknowledge my emotions when they need to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t suppress them, otherwise, they would burst. Like in yoga, when we can’t hold a pose, we make adjustments as this is what our bodies tell us. Thus, we have to acknowledge how we feel inside. Only then we could do what we’re supposed to do, whether be it in taking actions in how we feel–laugh, cry, think, or talk, or as in yoga, adjust our pose for the benefits it could provide to our body.

With maintaining my calm at work, I guess, to date it has been successful. And that makes me give myself a pat on the back.

Now, as for dealing with the silence in the house, it confuses me if I should start an open forum (the term confrontation scares me) with my roommate about why I haven’t been acting the same way as I did before. I am still hurt about what had happened and this level of hurt is usually the one which goes unnoticed unless being told with. It’s the kind of hurt that gives me a very hard time to talk about and just tells me to runaway. I fear that if we reach the level of confrontation, this present awkwardness would elevate and I don’t want for that to happen. It’s more peaceful this way, with my insides being torn apart of heartache, saving everyone else from the potential future disaster. It’s better this way, while my roommate unconsciously benefits of not knowing anything—anything but mere awkward silence. It’s better that way than for me to tell her what went wrong and with the situation not allowing us to take back the words that were fired upon.

I know that though I am trying to keep the peace in this house, it still isn’t right. By being silent, I am able to limit myself from expressing my thoughts and emotions, which meant that I am limiting myself from being hurt, and limiting myself to hurt others. Limiting the disappointments. Suppression of words, not thoughts. A pause in the unspoken chaos. There’s peace in silence. But I’m not entirely sure. In this case, is there? I know that I probably am not doing the right thing. But this is the best deal I could give myself this moment. I am confused on what to do and how to deal with it.

Yoga tells us to listen to what our body tells us. Life, tells us to listen. When we stop and take a pause, we are allowed to look, listen, and feel. Inside the classroom, our instructor is there to guide us. In our continuous practice, in our life, we don’t. It is a bit of a struggle to put all of these into our daily practice, and much harder because at crossroads, we don’t really know what to do. Sometimes, we get confused if we should take a step back and adjust to what we’ve been used to (whether in yoga pose or in dealing with most of the situation), or challenge ourselves to the next level. But we have to listen to ourselves.

Inside the classroom, the usual 1.5 hours of practice deals with breathing, focus and concentration to achieve the poses, to strengthen our minds and our bodies, to meditate, to be present. We could adjust our pose in one or two breaths. Outside the classroom, the rest of our practice goes on and we could apply the same. The rest of our practice is a lot more challenging, for we deal with different people, different circumstances, different emotions. But we are still lucky, because we’re not forced to dealing with it in one or two breaths. We are given more than that, to pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. It is a continuous practice. Yoga is. And life, well, of course it is.

Now, it’s time for me to continue. To pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. I should, and I will, continuously.

Namaste.

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Blossoming of the Opposites

Image

I thought I should put some illustration to “expand” my artistic side and not make the blog “boring”. 🙂

I’ve been trying to find that place of serenity. I’ve been trying to control my emotions and suppress my instinctive annoyance with pressures from work and the people that sort of triggers it. I’ve been thinking that the best way to be calm when irritation strikes is by trying to breathe in and breathe out, and not minding it at all.

I know that if I continue doing this, then I’d be in a place where I would be at my calmest. But somehow, it fears me that by doing so, I’d start to ignore a lot of issues, whether it matters or not. It could mean that rather than facing and dealing with it, I’d just brush it of, ignore it, bury it, or turn my back on it. It is confusing, actually. I want to think about it, really. I know I will, as I will always be my normal analytic self.

I truly admire those people who are carefree–in thoughts and in actions. I remember having this conversation with a good friend of mine, if he thinks I am a bit uptight or something like that. And his initial reaction was: “where is this coming from?”. Well, I just know I am. At times I try to not care about some things that I do care about (in reference to being uptight and carefree), but most of the time, I fail. Small things like drinking, or “partying” or even giving some sort of impression.

In my opinion, carefree people don’t really mind a lot of these things. They always just “go with the flow”. Drink like there’s no tomorrow, if they want to. Go to clubs and parties, while not giving a shit about who’s gonna be there, who’s watching, and just go wild if they wanted to. And thus, wouldn’t mind if other people becomes judge-y of the impression that the outer appearance/action sends off. Do things the way they want to, giving their best in the moment, and not minding what could happen after that.

I am not like that. Probably only when I get out of my comfort zone–say when I travel abroad where no one knows me and I could do anything and people would laugh then forget about my existence in a day of their lifetime. But then again, I am not like my traveler persona in my daily average life. I am one of those who work, tries to stay on a budget, and save for something (which by the way, I haven’t completely figured out yet!). I am one of those people who “mind” a lot of stuff, whether it be big or small. I am one of those who I think are emotionally incapable of dealing about my emotions. I am one of those whose mind floats whenever it can.

I mind about how people perceive me (actually, only in reference to being a slut). I mean, I am one of those who don’t wanna be judged as slutty or something like “flirting” as always. I prefer being looked upon as a demure (I hope!), conservative kind of woman. I know I am a bit old for that, but to be honest, I really am. I think I got this attitude because of the environment I grew up with. Even in college, being surrounded by guys in the engineering world, I’ve became more of this. Maybe because I figured out what/how they think about slutty women and I don’t wanna be thought of that by my guy friends. Which is why, I feel bothered when I get invited by my girlfriends to go partying/clubbing because that’s where the men are. Don’t get me wrong, I love dancing like crazy–like there’s noone watching! And another thing that I love is the existence of men. But if that thought of just going to be picked up by men is the objective, then chances are, I’m out! And if I am also out there, you probably won’t see me at my wildest. I’m sorry but I just can’t. I see others do it and though it seems like they’re having tons of fun, I apologize for my misjudgment of their wild behavior. I really can’t bear the thought that how I misjudge carefree (potentially crazywild) dancing would also be done to me.

It’s very rare for me to drink like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, if I wanted to, I for sure would probably do it. But chilling out with good friends on weekend house parties where drinks are pretty much unlimited, then I can’t go ga-ga everytime. Plus, I try to keep a balance with my yoga and my diet–drinks included.

I’m not really sure where I’m going here, but somehow, I feel like my direction in terms of being at peace is through suppression. With my preference of not being “carefree” (which a friend of mine also emphasized that could also be led to “carelessness”) and instead, just being laid back–which means I just do yoga routinely, read/write/browse/watch through my laptop, play my guitar, or hangout with good friends through a cup of coffee, a plate of good food, two bottles of beer, a spur of the moment night out at a nearby beer cafe/pub, very seldom nights of dressing up with girlfriends, rock gigs/concerts and wearing my good old chucks, and a once in a blue moon travel adventure outside the country (taking advantage of being a stranger in an “almost” strange-yet-exciting-place), I am somehow content with living in the box.

Sometimes, I wonder who I could meet if I partied a lot. But then again, I tell myself, at the end of the day, they’re also just there to get laid. Which now reminds me of a conversation I also had with a close friend (who shares the same profession as mine), that usually, analytic people’s emotions tends to be suppressed. And people who go to clubs/bars are people who wants to GET LAID, and not the typical LAID BACK person as we think we are/prefer. I agreed. I am not generalizing, just exaggerating, so yes, I apologize.

Oh I know, what a loser, right? For a short period of time, I tried not to be, but at the end of all that, I know that’s not where I wanted to be. That I will never be that person. It was tiring and expensive and ate much of my “me time” which meant, putting a lot of thoughts to ponder.

With that carefree-to-almost-wild-idea being suppressed, embracing my boring/loser box (which I prefer and don’t really think that it’s boring/loser box at all), I am somehow content. I know some things are missing, but I think I would figure out a way in adding it eventually in my life without compromising my preferred “laid back” lifestyle.

Thoughts of “being open”, “finding peace” and “being calm” are still beyond my reach. A lot of my thoughts about these are contradicting each other. But to summarize, I’m trying to figure out ways to “be open” without compromising my beliefs, “finding peace” and “being calm” by accepting things as they are (which could also mean that ignoring it) or by facing/dealing with it and still find serenity after. All these, are confusing me and whenever I think about it, I just go in circles.

On achieving it all, I am not sure. I hope I get there though, without losing myself in the process. I hope I get there and achieve it, and knowing where to draw the line between cowardliness and bravery, of knowing how to deal by accepting, ignoring, or through boxing (metaphorically).

Here’s to accepting my boring life (and very rare spontaneous/random get-away that I ALWAYS look forward to!), being open without losing myself, finding calmness, being at peace, and figuring out how these and its reasons would work together though while we both punch back and forth with my typically uptight self.

Here’s to the “blossoming of the opposites”.

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hopefully not a tragic end

dear blog,

today is one of those days that i feel like i can’t talk to anyone. i know God knows what is in my heart. i tell myself now to just breathe and let go and not think about it too much. it just hurts to know that sometimes, growing apart from a close friend is inevitable if the path you prefer is different. i sincerely want to be happy for them and to support them but i find it so hard in my heart to do so because deep down, i just can’t. i think about it, of actually not thinking about it. i try not to be judgy because i want to be a good friend. but i can’t. it is just so hard. i try to be honest, but i become brutal by doing so. if i shut up, then i become brutal to myself. i am conflicted.

i hope it’s not all lost.

i pray for guidance because i am confused. i am such a bad friend. i don’t think i was ever a good one.

:(,
kat

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So Little Time, So Much To Do

We all wanna do a lot of things, but usually, we all think about it simultaneously and end up doing nothing. We end up being confused on what to prioritize.

I’ve been thinking of learning new stuff about work. There’s this new (somehow old, actually) technology which we call LTE–4G.

I’ve been thinking of reviewing the materials I got from the training I attended last month. 20+ PDF files and I’ve been down with just 1.

I really wanna push through with fixing and updating my blog, share stories about my recent EuroTrip, dig in my past recollections, my reunion with old friends, meditation and yoga, and much more.

Searching and joining an organization/charity that would fill up my time and make me feel more fulfilled.

Fixing my morning and nightly routine (it has been messed up for as long as I could remember).

Improving my guitar playing.

Cleaning the house that has been messy for months now, and everything in between.

It all boils down to how I’m gonna do it, which one first, and whennnnn???

I guess listing it down (now) would definitely help. Surely I’ve left some thing that would probably ring a bell later on.

Small things, big things. It doesn’t matter. I can’t get anything done. See, I am always distracted and confused. :/

Time Management. I know, that’s my issue.

Before I become at peace with Time, I need to go to a silent war with procrastination and self-distraction (not destruction!).

I am so lax I almost never get things done. I need a change. I guess only I could make it, yeah?

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Whatever tomorrow brings, it’s gonna be okay.

I sincerely do apologize for wasting other people’s time because of my default tardiness. I’ve been like this here at work for as long as I could remember. Well possibly for atleast 28 months… and I can only remember a handful of “on-time” arrival, unfortunately.

I’ve been talked to about this for the nth time and each time, I apologize. I stopped making lame excuses because there really isn’t any excuse. I was just not motivated to get up and go. Sometimes, I wake up very early, then I procrastinate… and so I am late. I’m not proud to say, but I’ve been getting away from being late for atleast 30minutes (before)… then it became an hour. And for the past few days/weeks, it has gradually increased to 1.5-2hours. Shameful 😦

Everytime I go to work and our client/director visits the site (where I am stationed at), I arrive uber late. 😦 In each time that “he” catches my wrong doing, I say a little prayer before I enter the room and tell myself that “whatever it is (in case it’s “firing” day), just accept it. It’s your fault anyway, and it’s not like you can turn back the time and re-do everything.” If I survive that day, then “tomorrow’s another day to make up.” But until now, I haven’t.

I talked to my boss a while ago, regarding my leave. Then, my boss just talked to me that our client/director made an “official complaint” of my tardiness, and my bosses will talk about this next week. I think, there’s a huge possibility that I’m gonna get fired really soon… Either that, or I’d be reprimanded big time.

I used to love what I was doing. Used to. And just so we know, I am only sucking up to this job because it pays well… I don’t want to sound ungrateful (because I am really grateful for this opportunity–especially that it has opened several doors to me), but I really am looking forward to the day when I’d be free of this work and embark on a new adventure. I guess, maybe, staying with this job is like a “monetary comfort zone that destroys my chi from time to time” but could “finance my future doings”. I know I’ve been holding myself back in exploring the possibilities out there. In addition, “working it now” somehow eats up my “now time” because of being obsessed with “preparing for the future.” You know how it is, being consumed with things and sometimes forgetting what’s important.

I’m gonna be okay. It’s gonna be a bit embarrassing though, if I get fired. Oh the consequence. No apologies for that though. I only apologize for wasting people’s time who waited for me. Still don’t know what’s gonna happen. If i get fired, i think i’ll be ok. It’s not like i’m not expecting it. It was only a matter of time. I am lucky enough to be given this chance, and hundreds of chances more to get back up. But I wasted it. If I still have a job after that so-called meeting, then I guess it’s an opportunities to get back up not to waste anymore. Have to be “bibo” just before I resign (which I intend to do this year) so that I could have a graceful future exit.

I know it could be a bittersweet thing. But then again, this possibly closing door could lead me to a lot of window of opportunities.

Anywayyyyyy it ain’t over til it’s over. Why am I even talking about this? I’m not yet fired anyway. Ok, so let’s see what happens next week. Whatever their decision is, I think it’s for the best. I’ll accept.

Aja! Aja! Fighting!!!

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Just in case I die…

1. I want all my functional organs to be donated. A lot of people needs to fulfill their life’s purpose, & if my organs could help them continue whatever it is that they need to do, then they should have it. When people die, we tend to think that their life’s purpose ends in their death. But no, it’s just the beginning of the beautiful eternity (well, atleast that’s what I believe & look forward to). And so, my organs better continue its function through someone else’s body. Maybe it would do good not just to its new owners but also to the people left behind by its former owner (yes, that’s me!).

2. Since I am still single, I want all my monetary assets to go to my mom (it’s not that much though), because she is a wise woman who doesn’t gamble. She knows the value of money really well. Look at us, she has fully invested in our education. Screw material things. I grew up having mostly the essentials. I rarely (when I say rare–like very rare… I had to give a gazillion tantrums before I got my way!!) got extras in terms of material goodies. When I was younger, or course I didn’t know what “value for money” means. I was a materialistic and somehow jealous kid. Booo!!! I resented the fact that we weren’t well off. But of course, as I grew older, I took advantage of the educational investment that my parents put it, and gave in to what’s required of me. And I am damn proud of the kids that my parents have: my siblings and myself counted.

For the 27.5 years of my life, I’ve only lived in rented apartments. My parents had plans of building a house back then. They had planned it several times. It didn’t really push through. When I asked my mom how come it never really happened, she said it was because we can’t really afford it. With the bills and our education, it’s gonna be tough. I then remembered that we had to sell a piece of our land just to pay more bills. Maybe my mom could use the money that I’ve left behind and buy a house for them to live in. My mom with my dad, my siblings, and of course, our extended family. In the Philippines, extended family is synonymous to immediate, if you know what I mean 😉

3. Oh, I want my remains to be cremated too. They could keep my ashes at home, or just spread it in an ocean that they could visit whenever they want to. Land space, the hassle of burying me, and yes, the cost of the land. Not sure about the rest of the list but I think the aforementioned is already a lot. When I die, the people I’ve left behind of course could visit me in my grave. But, when the time comes that they also die, who would visit me then? My grave would just be a waste of space in the graveyard. I don’t want to burden the people I’ve left behind with the bills of the grave lot and the dramatic process. They could set me free in the ocean or store me in an urn if they still can’t let go. It’s practical, less burden, and less heart breaking.

4. They could distribute among themselves all my “valuable” cd collections (I don’t have a lot yet as of the moment, but if I get to live in the next few years, trust me, it’ll grow). They could have it for as long as they want it. I just hope that they listen to it and appreciate it the way that I do. I have bags that my sisters and my mom could have and use. My clothes, they could use it, or if it’s just a sad reminder, they could give it to someone else. All these material things, they could keep, but if it’s painful to be reminded of me with my stuff, then they could give it away or sell it.

5. I intend to develop my pictures in the not-so-distant-future. If in case I die, they could give the picture to the people I’m with (at the picture). Maybe the hard copy that they’ll have could help them remember me, that I once was a part of their lives. With pictures that doesn’t have any familar/known faces, they could sell it (if it’s marketable) or just stare at it… or if it’s a waste, recycle it and turn it into a compost.

6. My wake. Well… I honestly don’t know if a soul could attend such a thing. But I guess, regardless, I would want my wake to be meaningful and not devastatingly sad. I want the people that I’ve left behind to cherish me for the good things, the great memories, and to laugh at the bad and weird ones. I want to feel missed and I want to send that emotion back at them too–that they’ll be missed. I want them to talk about me in a sense of the life that I desired to live, and if in case I’ve missed some things in living my life, that they learn from it and do it for me, so that I would know that missing those details of living my life served its purpose in making others know and realize that it shouldn’t be missed. I just hope that in my wake, rather than have people feel guilt or regret, i’d like them to have that sense of epiphany, amazing realization, sense of relief, & especially for the loved ones, my parents & siblings that I’ve left behind, a room full of love, just the right amount, quite overwhelming & a bit overflowing, especially at that time of need.

7. And, just in case I really die, I hope that this reaches them. I want to tell them that being the weirdly emotional person that I am, at times that I feel really sad (which lately, has been a bit frequent), I imagine myself jumping off a window of a tall building, flying down to my death & forgetting that I am about to die. Sad that it’s a thought of suicide, but no, I won’t do that. Because at times that I am really really sad and imagine that idea, I tell myself that “this too shall pass, and I’ll be okay and back to being a normal thinking person again”. I want to let them know that though I’ve had thoughts of that, I died a normal death (by that, I mean not doing it myself!–so either through an accident or illness) & have submitted myself and my life to the good Lord, living the life that they’ve been a part of, a life of mixed ideas, mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, and (hopefully), a life that is full.

I know (well, not really, but I do hope) that I won’t die anytime soon. I still have A LOT on my bucket-list. From what I’ve heard, those who usually feels or plans how or what their death (and the aftermath) is like, usually dies a bit later. But, just in case, here’s my list.

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Even I confuse myself…

Yes, here I am again bored at work, waiting for the hours to pass by and go home already… killing time by browsing random websites of people or things that randomly came into mind.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for the longest time about a lot of silly things. Wait, no. How can I say it’s silly if it’s bothering me, right? I guess just by thinking that it’s silly makes me gives me both a clearer, and at the same time, a more confused view.

I have a sort of see-saw emotional nature. Sometimes, I couldn’t care less. Sometimes, I care a lot. I want to have an outlook of a hippie, where everything seems nice and beautiful. A view where everything is within reach and you couldn’t care less about things that doesn’t really matter. Just go with the flow of whatever comes your way.

But at the same time, I also want to be more conscious about a lot of things. Things such as environmental awareness, healthier options in food (but I don’t want to be a food snob at the same time), and be a kind-hearted person.

How can I do both at the same time? Care and not care? And how do I know when and where I should and shouldn’t? I’ve been trying to be conscious about all these things that I want to do, and have been trying to do it. But sometimes, I confuse myself.

Since I left my journal to write to, especially now that I need to “re-analyze” and “think… think… think…” Might as well type it down and reread and reanalyze stuff myself.

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Usually, the simplest things in life are the most important ones. Simple life lessons goes a long way & builds a great character.

The Renegade Rulebook

A few months ago, I featured a post titled “Ten Things I Learned From My Mom.” I’ve spent the last few weeks reflecting, and decided that I also wanted to feature a similar post dedicated to my father. I’m fortunate enough to have two loving parents that I am very close with, and I hope some day that I can take everything I’ve learned from them, and apply it to my own parenting techniques.

1. Kick ‘Em Where It Hurts

In first grade, I came off the school bus hysterically crying. My dad met me at the top of our driveway, tried to console the sobbing little human peeking timidly up at him from underneath her bangs, while clutching her ninja turtle lunch box. After he asked me what was wrong, I explained that another boy on the bus had been saying mean things to me. My dad told me…

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Do What You Love. I know, right? 😛

Live & Learn

We’ve all either given or received the career advice: “Follow your dreams.”  “Do what you love.”  “Love what you do.”

Recently, there have been an increasing number of counterarguments making the case that if we were all going to “do what we love,” we’d starve doing it.

I came across a 2006 post by Paul Graham: “How To Do What You Love” that offers what may be the best thought-leadership on the subject that I have read.

Graham is an essayist, programmer, and investor. In 1995, he co-developed the first web-based application, Viaweb, which was acquired by Yahoo in 1998. He has an AB from Cornell and a PhD in Computer Science from Harvard, and studied painting at RISD and the Accademia di Belle Arti in Florence.  Graham’s blog is one of the most followed in the blogosphere.

It is an essay (longish for those of us with…

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