i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Allowing myself to feel today.

Time and again, I allow myself to feel. I acknowledge the myriad of feelings that want to burst out from my heart, whether it be the over-the-top-kind-of-happiness, or the drowning-to-the-bottom-kind-of-loneliness. All these emotions, I acknowledge and allow.

We have the right to feel and it is healthier to acknowledge it and to allow ourselves to feel. No matter how painful it is.

But that’s not the end of it. I also have to allow myself to put back the pieces of myself when I am very down. I can’t say that I am successful to date, but that doesn’t matter. Because right now, I know that I am evolving, and I know that I am still a work in progress.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and say I am content, I am happy, I am complete, and I live a full life. But that remains to be seen and known tomorrow.

Today, I feel sad, even lonely. I feel incomplete and confused as to where my life is headed. And today, I feel heartbroken not by someone but by fate. That is how I feel today.

Some days I feel hopeful, some days I feel that I have been treated unfairly by fate. But all in all, I am feel grateful with the things that I have.

I can’t say that I wish I knew how things are when tomorrow comes. Because I am also scared if I don’t like it. I can only hope that things are better.

We have the right to feel. We should acknowledge and allow ourselves. But at the same time, we should also pull ourselves up when we are down. What we’re not allowed to do is to let struggle take over us. Not to let fear overtake our lives. We may feel scared, lonely, and resentful. But we should not let ourselves suffer by our emotions. Not let the situation take over our lives. There is always a silver lining and we should try to look for it. If we can’t find it yet, then we have to keep moving forward and remind ourselves that we are strong. Maybe at that point we aren’t. We can acknowledge that too but we have to keep in mind that at some point we were and that shall come out again. Or better yet, think that this phase will only make us better and stronger.

Point is, we have to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel. But we can’t allow our misery to keep us from moving forward.

Tomorrow, maybe I can be happier. But today, this day… I acknowledge that I am not. Today, I will fix my application to travel. Today, I will talk and have a more meaningful conversation. Today, I have written again. Then atleast now I can say that tomorrow, I am a step ahead from where I was yesterday.

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Sunset

Okay. I just thought I should also share my exact feelings right now, having the sun set in the background while I sit back and think here at the 17F. Not really good at this though… so please bear with me! 🙂

Sunset

The sun was blinding and almost set
I wonder right now, where is your mind at?
I haven’t seen you nor touched your face
And I could only hope that you have that gaze.

The kind of gaze that I long to see
Burning through my soul, intently, unwavering
Oh you make my heart tremble, you don’t have a clue
I could only hope I’m watching the sun set with you.

By now the sun stares right at my eyes
I can’t look ahead, except let it grace my life
Right now you probably don’t have a clue
That you’ve claimed my heart from the start, yes, you do.

Even with the skyscrapers, the circle of the sun
Can’t be swayed, very fierce to be stunned
Now I wonder how long it would take
To have it disappear again and set my prayers straight.

Last season I claimed you in my life
Through my prayers, I claimed with faith in my mind
This beautiful sunset made me poetic for you
Ever since I’ve seen it, it has been my favorite view.

For years I’ve witnessed it here and there
But I know that it will never compare
To have your hand intertwined with mine
To have your love wrapped up and around in mine

Even when the sun has set and the day went to an end
The beauty it holds take away my breath
My dear, my love, it reminds me of you
Because I know, every day, it’s always due

To come to me, to come to my life
To never miss a beat when it comes in sight
God know how much I love to see
It’s enchanting beauty specially cause you’re with me.

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I Want to Remember This Day, When I’ve Discovered Fleetwood Mac

I wanna remember this moment. This moment that I am sooo caught up with Fleetwood Mac.

Quite frankly, I haven’t heard of them in the past. I’ve heard of the rendition of their song “Dreams” and of Stevie Nicks occasionally. Haven’t really put much thought to it. Not until I came out from a self-induced coma of reading a lot of romantic ebooks. Yes. It ate my time and energy away. You see, i have addictive tendencies, and once I start, I just can’t seem to stop! Whether it be a book, a tv series (I always do marathons), eating, and talking. Maybe if there’s weed around (thankfully there isn’t! I’ve only tried it twice in Amsterdam back in 2011 and I must say, I walked on clouds)? HAH. Who knows?

Back to Fleetwood Mac.

In one of the books I’ve read, the writer has referenced a lot of old music. At some point, she referenced the song Landslide as of the songs being sung by one of the books characters in the most heartfelt way possible. I could only imagine if I actually knew what the song was.

And then I knew. And then I knew the band. And then I knew their other songs.

Not to say that Stevie Nicks was the face… but no wonder she’s been referenced in at least one film that I could remember (the one where Joan Cusack sang in School of Rock). And no wonder I loved Dreams the first time I’ve heard of it.

And I love Fleetwood Mac. I wanna remember today. Although I’ve only been listening to their Greatest Hits album for two days straight since I’ve had it, I can’t help but feel quite overwhelmed. Goodness, I wanna dance to their music. I wanna sway my head and stomp my feet, sway left and right and then just close my eyes.

So far my favorites are The Chain, Don’t Stop, Gypsy, Little Lies, Think About Me, Landslide, and basically almost all of their songs in the album that I currently have. What can I say?

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Is it really okay to get lost?

Because this is how I feel right now. I thought that by this time, by this age, I got things figured out. Not having a five year plan or a vision of my future is not something I’ve imagined. But how come I am in this unwanted confusion at the age of 30? Haven’t I been through it already some two years ago? What if my ultimate goal is to just have a content life? If I got lucky, to have a blissful one. But what about the other things? I think everything else is just as important. Career, love, and the direction that comes with it. I know I am the one who’s stopping myself. But I can’t seem to move past that right now. I don’t want to attribute being lost with being scared. I probably am both. I wish I could figure things out right now.

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Well, well.. What do you know!

I would’ve said “I enjoy long walks on the beach.” But, frankly, I prefer to sit, watch the sun set, observe, talk and listen. Life is amazing. Love is.

Goodness.

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Claiming your heart’s content: What do YOU really want?

You want to.

You need to.

You have to.

But, will you?

It is true that we can’t have everything that we want. Sometimes, we think that we can’t even have that one thing that we really want. But the question is, do we really want it bad enough? Really?

The past few weeks have been quite insightful. Thoughts and talks about allowing yourself the possibility even if you’re not yet a hundred percent sure on what’s going to happen (it’s not like we can always be sure!) and allowing things to unfold in front of you. Something like doing your part and letting the universe conspire.

“If it’s meant to be, then it will happen.”

“Do your part and let the world do the rest.”

“It won’t just come knocking on your door. You have to at least put yourself out there.”

Today, I watched Jim Carrrey’s commencement address at Maharishi University of Management, and trust me, it was really moving! (If you haven’t seen it yet, then I suggest you check it out too.)

He said it best when he mentioned that sometimes, we choose “fear disguised as practicality.” It is true. We all want to do this and that, “but we can’t.” “Not just yet.”” We have to do something else first to ensure our so-called future.

I guess, at the end of the day, we don’t really want it bad enough. We are good with settling. We are good with the future regardless of what we do in the present. And when we are “present in our future”, who knows what happened our past.

Mr. Carrey’s speech is very timely in my present state, to which he has profoundly stated the things that I know but still needed to hear.

Maybe we should ask ourselves: What do we really want?

Maybe for some, practicality isn’t the disguise of fear but the love for _______. Whatever that may be! Or there may be a myriad of reasons for that as well.

But for some of us who knows that this—(NOW) is not enough unless we take that “leap”, then I guess the next question should be, “If Not Now, When?”

We should acknowledge the complexity inside of us, figure our our heart’s content, and submit to it. Allow the rest to take place, embrace that beautiful present and evolve to the person you want to be.

—————————————–

There… so before bed time, let’s figure out our heart’s content. Let’s ask ourselves, what are the things that will fill our heart’s desire? What will make our lives full? What inspires us? What moves us? Whether it’s for selfish or selfless reasons, we should define it and answer, “What do we really want?” Until we figure it out, we can move to the next question.

For now,, that’s a start.

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When Some Things Change, Would You Do The Same?

It’s amazing how people change and yet our relationship with them doesn’t. I’ve always wondered, if I’ve only met them now, with the new version of themselves, would I be friends with them? Or, would I be considered a “friend material” with how I’ve changed too? Maybe. or, maybe not. But regardless. I think, we meet people because it’s fate. But logically, because it’s good for humanity. There’s always something good even in the deepest and darkest hour. Like a silver lining. They help us become who we are, and in turn we do the same. We change too, you know. And together, we adapt with the changes of the other party. We grow. We learn a thing or two. We find deeper meaning in similarities and differences. We find comfort in the traditional, the old fashioned, the usual. We find excitement in something new, unusual, and exquisite. We learn what we want and what we don’t. And we learn to adapt or move on and let go. Either way, it’s all good.

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I Want to be the Best Version of Me.

Just a short one.

This past few days, I’ve been thinking, dreaming of the things that I want to do once I am able to do it (I am currently recovering from a spine surgery). It mainly focuses on travelling. Next is possibly studying, and then hopefully getting a job. Oh and community service.

Over the past few weeks, I realized that I might not be the kind of person who works best with a family. In short, I don’t think I like the idea of being in charge at home, of being reliable, of adapting from being independent and selfish to being a household family person.

That’s another story.

Reading blogs over the past few days made me reassess my bucketlist. Mine’s a weird and funny one, relatively compared to most that I’ve read. And then I thought, I want to be the best version of me.

To tell you quite frankly, I want to eventually take part on a mission, to do good will once I am set to go and venture the world. But then again, charity begins at home.

I am going around right now, opening new topics and saying bits and pieces of myself.

Back to my thinking… so last night, as I lay in bed at 3 am, I’ve concluded that I have to give myself a month of being the best version of me:

Of being the most selfless me at home.

Of being the most reliable me at home.

Of being the most loving daughter and most understanding sibling.

Of being the funniest and sociable extended family.

Of being the least sarcastic conversationalist.

Of smiling more.

Of not dwelling.

I want to be the best version of me right now. And a month may seem short, but being the usual unreliable, lazy, smart alleck, opinionated family member such as myself, each day could be a challenge.

I’ve always complained of how annoyed I am with my father. But in reality, I’ve got some of his bad habits and I can’t deny it. This is one of the reasons that made me realize (and accept the possibility) of just being an “individual” and not submit to the social norm of adapting to a family.

This is the time for me to overcome it, while I am still allowed to do so.

Now that I am living at home with the rest of my immediate family, it’s time to submit myself to what the situation presents.

Although I might not be the worst person in the world, I want to be a better one. I always pray for that, and now is the time to overcome and be the best me.

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Trying too hard to suppress awkwardness: is it worth it?

Sometimes, we find ourselves trying too hard for an awkward situation not to be awkward. However, no matter how hard we try, some things are just inevitable.

While sorting out some files, I happen to run by a few pictures taken years ago in one of my birthday celebrations thousands of miles away from my immediate family. In my culture, birthdays are always celebrated with lots of food and the celebrant is usually the one who treats all the guests. During that time, I lived in a country where I am mostly surrounded with an ethnically diverse group of people, apart from my friends who are just doors away and extended family who are an hour of drive from where I lived.

Let me tell you this first: I love my family, even my extended ones. I am also very particular with my hierarchy of loyalty. Next to God is family. So unless I am brutally betrayed by a family, that’s probably the only time that I would consider turning my back on them. Either that or unreasonable mood swings.

I gotta be honest, I am only really close to a few people on this extended family of mine in that part of the world. I know exactly why, and no matter how hard I try to mask those reasons, they’re just there. But I always try.

Let me get back on the picture. The thing is, upon looking at the birthday celebration picture I had with them, I had a flashback of memory: I was trying hard to really like this people that I was celebrating my birthday with during that time, like as if I really loved it. I was trying. No matter how good I (or we) looked at the picture, no matter how happy we all were, I knew that I was trying hard.

Now, here’s a bit of my confusion. How hard can we try for things not to feel like were trying too hard? Or should we just give it up and move on? I mean, what if they’re family? Should we still continue trying to suppress the awkwardness or atleast to mask that feeling of “trying too hard” or should we just let go? If it’s not hurting anybody, is it okay to just go with it? Or is it better to get real and face the possible consequence of being placed in the “non-existent family member/forgotten person” box?

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Backup or Backdown

Image

after several days–or weeks, they’re almost sorted out!

Probably one of the hardest (or most dragging) thing to do is to sort out more than 5 years of your backup to make a 2nd backup to save yourself the possibility of losing your most precious files if in case something crashes.

Sometimes, laziness catches up with us and we tend to forget about transferring our most memorable pictures to our newly bought HDD and then one day… BOOM! Our computer crashes. All we can do is pray really really hard that those could still be recovered.

Lesson learned and so we make a redundant to our redundant drive. Either we backup, or we back down and let fate take its course if in case something bad really happens.

Sometimes though, we tend to be overly sure and rush things and we don’t realize that we have already made a hundred copies of the same file in each of our redundant drives. Talk about REDUNDANT REDUNDANCY! (correct me if it this is right or if it should be “redundant redundant!”) Yeah, you got it.

So here I am, one file–or folder at a time, trying to sort things out… giving me the future benefit of saving disk space and yes–money for more redundancy.

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