i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Fixation

Girls apparently love to fixate on things. I haven’t really realized it until a guy I met told this to me during a small talk about me feeling the need to always eat all the time while we were taking a break during our climb up the elephant mountain. I couldn’t agree more.

Girls love to dwell, fixate, and couldn’t help themselves to hang on in spite of their gutts.

And I think, I have fixated myself with someone I met who basically said that “I would find a good man” as he said goodbye and that whatever I/we were feeling/thinking “was not good”.

He is a good man. And i am very happy and grateful to have met him. I was a bit heartbroken when he left, my eyes were sad. However, I knew that I would see him again eventually.

But as I look forward to the small talks over the internet every single time that I go online, i couldn’t help but expect in spite of the non-existent promise of commitment. It is my fixation with his mere existence. And i brought this upon myself.

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

Allowing myself to feel today.

Time and again, I allow myself to feel. I acknowledge the myriad of feelings that want to burst out from my heart, whether it be the over-the-top-kind-of-happiness, or the drowning-to-the-bottom-kind-of-loneliness. All these emotions, I acknowledge and allow.

We have the right to feel and it is healthier to acknowledge it and to allow ourselves to feel. No matter how painful it is.

But that’s not the end of it. I also have to allow myself to put back the pieces of myself when I am very down. I can’t say that I am successful to date, but that doesn’t matter. Because right now, I know that I am evolving, and I know that I am still a work in progress.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and say I am content, I am happy, I am complete, and I live a full life. But that remains to be seen and known tomorrow.

Today, I feel sad, even lonely. I feel incomplete and confused as to where my life is headed. And today, I feel heartbroken not by someone but by fate. That is how I feel today.

Some days I feel hopeful, some days I feel that I have been treated unfairly by fate. But all in all, I am feel grateful with the things that I have.

I can’t say that I wish I knew how things are when tomorrow comes. Because I am also scared if I don’t like it. I can only hope that things are better.

We have the right to feel. We should acknowledge and allow ourselves. But at the same time, we should also pull ourselves up when we are down. What we’re not allowed to do is to let struggle take over us. Not to let fear overtake our lives. We may feel scared, lonely, and resentful. But we should not let ourselves suffer by our emotions. Not let the situation take over our lives. There is always a silver lining and we should try to look for it. If we can’t find it yet, then we have to keep moving forward and remind ourselves that we are strong. Maybe at that point we aren’t. We can acknowledge that too but we have to keep in mind that at some point we were and that shall come out again. Or better yet, think that this phase will only make us better and stronger.

Point is, we have to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel. But we can’t allow our misery to keep us from moving forward.

Tomorrow, maybe I can be happier. But today, this day… I acknowledge that I am not. Today, I will fix my application to travel. Today, I will talk and have a more meaningful conversation. Today, I have written again. Then atleast now I can say that tomorrow, I am a step ahead from where I was yesterday.

Leave a comment »

I Want to be the Best Version of Me.

Just a short one.

This past few days, I’ve been thinking, dreaming of the things that I want to do once I am able to do it (I am currently recovering from a spine surgery). It mainly focuses on travelling. Next is possibly studying, and then hopefully getting a job. Oh and community service.

Over the past few weeks, I realized that I might not be the kind of person who works best with a family. In short, I don’t think I like the idea of being in charge at home, of being reliable, of adapting from being independent and selfish to being a household family person.

That’s another story.

Reading blogs over the past few days made me reassess my bucketlist. Mine’s a weird and funny one, relatively compared to most that I’ve read. And then I thought, I want to be the best version of me.

To tell you quite frankly, I want to eventually take part on a mission, to do good will once I am set to go and venture the world. But then again, charity begins at home.

I am going around right now, opening new topics and saying bits and pieces of myself.

Back to my thinking… so last night, as I lay in bed at 3 am, I’ve concluded that I have to give myself a month of being the best version of me:

Of being the most selfless me at home.

Of being the most reliable me at home.

Of being the most loving daughter and most understanding sibling.

Of being the funniest and sociable extended family.

Of being the least sarcastic conversationalist.

Of smiling more.

Of not dwelling.

I want to be the best version of me right now. And a month may seem short, but being the usual unreliable, lazy, smart alleck, opinionated family member such as myself, each day could be a challenge.

I’ve always complained of how annoyed I am with my father. But in reality, I’ve got some of his bad habits and I can’t deny it. This is one of the reasons that made me realize (and accept the possibility) of just being an “individual” and not submit to the social norm of adapting to a family.

This is the time for me to overcome it, while I am still allowed to do so.

Now that I am living at home with the rest of my immediate family, it’s time to submit myself to what the situation presents.

Although I might not be the worst person in the world, I want to be a better one. I always pray for that, and now is the time to overcome and be the best me.

Leave a comment »

Nina Badzin's Blog

Since my mom has always been passionate about her jobs and her hobbies, it’s fitting that she agreed to write a post for my blog’s hobbies and habits series.

When I think of my parents, I see the theater, the symphony, and their love of art from modern to tribal. (There’s a six foot-tall giraffe in my parents’ entryway and scary masks in the family room). I see their many excursions, trips you’d never find me on like observing the polar bear migration in Manitoba. I also think of the many greyhounds they’ve saved. And then there’s the activities they each pursue alone, too many to list here.

Instead of having my mom discuss her many hobbies, however, I asked her to address the issue of knowing what you want to “be when you grow up.” I know parents who want something in addition to raising their kids, or people…

View original post 752 more words

Leave a comment »