i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Something Exciting: To allow myself to evolve means to allow my plans to evolve too

The funny thing about planning our future is that no matter how “planned” it could be, chances are, it would still change. The fact that I am going to stay jobless for quite some time (because I plan on having a surgery for my scoliosis), means that I can’t make solid plans until then, until I actually fully recover. What I like about it is that I can actually do whatever I want after that.

What seems relevant for me to do now might not be relevant to do eventually. My last job (which is similar to what I’ve been doing over the past 6 years) is actually an upto-date skill based, and thus, if I can’t work and rekindle it in a period of a year, it could mean that I might have to look for other options to reintegrate myself in the telco business to be relevant.

A few weeks ago, I envisioned myself in a year or so to finally resume my extended vacation (post op). This includes securing a student permit somewhere in Europe so that I could go travel to the places that I haven’t been to yet. Of course an Asian trip, US trip, World Cup trip, and a Philippine trip are included. So that would be another year of not pursuing a career. Emphasis to  traveling everywhere. A dream that I so want to pursue.

But this weekend, I went to one of those beautiful beaches here in the Philippines (that I originally thought as overrated before I even got there–I was wrong!) and it was A-MA-ZING!!! I went to Boracay. I now know why everyone loved that place. To be honest, I thought I preferred a place of pure beauty and serenity. Boracay is beautiful but I must say, it isn’t purely serene. It is developed and commercialized over the past few years, which gave me a reason to doubt it even before setting foot. But as I got there, it grew on me. My fondness of it is the same fondness I have for Manila. It’s a mixture of the things that I love and the things that I hate, but overall, I know I could live there and I would love it.

Who could resist this?!?!!!???!!!??Image

And now, as I think of the things that I want to do in the next year or so, I am more open to other possibilities. A possibility of just relocating to a remote island somewhere in the Philippines (or even in Boracay) and staying there for a while. Another possibility is to just go and find my way here in the country or just in Southeast Asia.

Of course there’s this idea of actually having someone with me (hopefully!) by then. But being single, a bit successful (as per my personal standard) and really independent over the past few years, finally having someone might come as a bit of a challenge for me. But last December, I moved back home. Since I don’t really have a place of my own (since I didn’t want to finalize where I actually want to settle as well as having debts that would restrict me from making quick moving plans should I want to), I am currently living back at my parents’. And it’s more practical that way since they would be the one taking care of me should I finally get my surgery.

Moving back home felt a bit weird at first. On the first night that I went out, my dad actually called and texted me if I wanted for him to pick me up! And was really worried that I wasn’t home yet. It was 10 PM. WHAT??? And when my mom got home, I actually felt annoyed by small questions of what I want to do, or where I want to put things and all that. I felt like I was treated like a kid. And I cracked. Seriously cracked. I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It’s just that I have been alone and independent for a long time, and someone looking out for me or taking care of me was a bit of a challenge at first. But now, I am already adjusting. I think so are they. 🙂

To plan for the future is exciting and overwhelming. Especially since there are a lot of possibilities and room for changes each and every single day. Our growth is constant. Changes are constant. And thus, our needs and our desires would definitely vary over time. The anticipation that I used to get when I was still studying in college, of what my future would be, is the same anticipation that I am currently having. I could write it the way I want to when I actually start getting there.  Anything is possible.

As I do my yoga practice earlier, I thought to again start saying an intention. My intention was to allow myself to evolve, to allow myself to just go with the flow and do what I need to do during my practice. To be fluid and not to restrict myself with an ideal flow. Just allow myself. Allow myself to evolve both through my yoga practice, and through life, with the plans to change from time to time, and my view and attitude in dealing with the changes brought up around me.

I don’t know yet what I am really going to do after my surgery. I have to actually start the process of consulting an Orthopedic surgeon (again) first and pump up the volume for the party. And along with it, I should allow myself to evolve so that when I get there, I will be a better person.

It is going to be really exciting, that unforeseen future. It is going to be awesome, because that’s how I want my life to be. But for now, atleast for the next few weeks, I have to get healthy, consult a doctor, attend a festival, go to a wedding, and finally have an operation… And of course after that, to hope and pray that everything is okay and successful.

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Moving on with our Continuous Practice called Life.

Lately, I’ve been trying to distance myself from chatting with my roommate. She is, or maybe, was, a good friend. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure with how I feel.

I’ve been trying to avoid saying something, especially if it isn’t all pleasant. Thoughts about “if you’ve got nothing better to say, then shut up” is what I’ve been thinking of, trying to stop myself from spreading bad vibes.

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, my unhappy thoughts and sentiments. For a moment, I become successful. But as nature calls, I can’t change who I am. And so, it flows.

As I was searching for a yoga quote to help a friend win this contest, I ran into this:

“Your yoga begins when you leave the classroom.
It’s how you relate to people and how you relate to the world.
Your yoga is the giving and receiving.
It’s the wellness between inner and outer worlds.

Your yoga is living the purpose of your life.
Your yoga is to spread peace one person at a time.”

Nancy Gerstein

Such inspiring words.

I’ve been trying to keep my calm, be at peace, and walk towards serenity lately through silence and partly suppression of emotions. But I realized, what I’ve been doing isn’t the way it should be.

Just because I am a very emotional human being, who often worries or gets ridiculously sad over small things, doesn’t mean that in order for me to be at that “place”, I have to suppress my emotions and ignore the negativity around me.

Just because I have been used to being very vocal about what I think or how I feel, doesn’t mean that I have to be completely silent like as if there’s no one around me. Where’s the harmony in living a world with people without acknowledging their existence in our lives?

Just because I don’t wanna be friends anymore with this person (another story to tell–I am a bad friend if I kept my friendship–but part of me tells me I am ridiculous and this statement would possibly be ruled out), doesn’t mean I have to treat her like as if we’re strangers in our roof.

Yoga is a constant practice that we need to carry on all the time. It’s not just about being able to build strength or enhance flexibility. (Metaphorically and non metaphorically speaking) It is constant practice that allows us to breathe in and out continuously. It allows us to flow with our actions, our movements. It tells us to hold on, focus, and be still. It teaches us to open our hearts and our minds, stay conscious and always be mindful. It asks us to listen and know our own body and feel what is right for us. It is becoming at peace with ourselves, with our own thoughts, with our own actions, without any judgement. And as what most of my yoga instructors have spoken of, we should carry it on with us not just inside the classroom, but even after we step out. And that’s where the true challenge of being at peace begins.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say (and would be trying to do), is in order for me to be at peace with myself, I have to acknowledge my emotions when they need to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t suppress them, otherwise, they would burst. Like in yoga, when we can’t hold a pose, we make adjustments as this is what our bodies tell us. Thus, we have to acknowledge how we feel inside. Only then we could do what we’re supposed to do, whether be it in taking actions in how we feel–laugh, cry, think, or talk, or as in yoga, adjust our pose for the benefits it could provide to our body.

With maintaining my calm at work, I guess, to date it has been successful. And that makes me give myself a pat on the back.

Now, as for dealing with the silence in the house, it confuses me if I should start an open forum (the term confrontation scares me) with my roommate about why I haven’t been acting the same way as I did before. I am still hurt about what had happened and this level of hurt is usually the one which goes unnoticed unless being told with. It’s the kind of hurt that gives me a very hard time to talk about and just tells me to runaway. I fear that if we reach the level of confrontation, this present awkwardness would elevate and I don’t want for that to happen. It’s more peaceful this way, with my insides being torn apart of heartache, saving everyone else from the potential future disaster. It’s better this way, while my roommate unconsciously benefits of not knowing anything—anything but mere awkward silence. It’s better that way than for me to tell her what went wrong and with the situation not allowing us to take back the words that were fired upon.

I know that though I am trying to keep the peace in this house, it still isn’t right. By being silent, I am able to limit myself from expressing my thoughts and emotions, which meant that I am limiting myself from being hurt, and limiting myself to hurt others. Limiting the disappointments. Suppression of words, not thoughts. A pause in the unspoken chaos. There’s peace in silence. But I’m not entirely sure. In this case, is there? I know that I probably am not doing the right thing. But this is the best deal I could give myself this moment. I am confused on what to do and how to deal with it.

Yoga tells us to listen to what our body tells us. Life, tells us to listen. When we stop and take a pause, we are allowed to look, listen, and feel. Inside the classroom, our instructor is there to guide us. In our continuous practice, in our life, we don’t. It is a bit of a struggle to put all of these into our daily practice, and much harder because at crossroads, we don’t really know what to do. Sometimes, we get confused if we should take a step back and adjust to what we’ve been used to (whether in yoga pose or in dealing with most of the situation), or challenge ourselves to the next level. But we have to listen to ourselves.

Inside the classroom, the usual 1.5 hours of practice deals with breathing, focus and concentration to achieve the poses, to strengthen our minds and our bodies, to meditate, to be present. We could adjust our pose in one or two breaths. Outside the classroom, the rest of our practice goes on and we could apply the same. The rest of our practice is a lot more challenging, for we deal with different people, different circumstances, different emotions. But we are still lucky, because we’re not forced to dealing with it in one or two breaths. We are given more than that, to pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. It is a continuous practice. Yoga is. And life, well, of course it is.

Now, it’s time for me to continue. To pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. I should, and I will, continuously.

Namaste.

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Blossoming of the Opposites

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I thought I should put some illustration to “expand” my artistic side and not make the blog “boring”. 🙂

I’ve been trying to find that place of serenity. I’ve been trying to control my emotions and suppress my instinctive annoyance with pressures from work and the people that sort of triggers it. I’ve been thinking that the best way to be calm when irritation strikes is by trying to breathe in and breathe out, and not minding it at all.

I know that if I continue doing this, then I’d be in a place where I would be at my calmest. But somehow, it fears me that by doing so, I’d start to ignore a lot of issues, whether it matters or not. It could mean that rather than facing and dealing with it, I’d just brush it of, ignore it, bury it, or turn my back on it. It is confusing, actually. I want to think about it, really. I know I will, as I will always be my normal analytic self.

I truly admire those people who are carefree–in thoughts and in actions. I remember having this conversation with a good friend of mine, if he thinks I am a bit uptight or something like that. And his initial reaction was: “where is this coming from?”. Well, I just know I am. At times I try to not care about some things that I do care about (in reference to being uptight and carefree), but most of the time, I fail. Small things like drinking, or “partying” or even giving some sort of impression.

In my opinion, carefree people don’t really mind a lot of these things. They always just “go with the flow”. Drink like there’s no tomorrow, if they want to. Go to clubs and parties, while not giving a shit about who’s gonna be there, who’s watching, and just go wild if they wanted to. And thus, wouldn’t mind if other people becomes judge-y of the impression that the outer appearance/action sends off. Do things the way they want to, giving their best in the moment, and not minding what could happen after that.

I am not like that. Probably only when I get out of my comfort zone–say when I travel abroad where no one knows me and I could do anything and people would laugh then forget about my existence in a day of their lifetime. But then again, I am not like my traveler persona in my daily average life. I am one of those who work, tries to stay on a budget, and save for something (which by the way, I haven’t completely figured out yet!). I am one of those people who “mind” a lot of stuff, whether it be big or small. I am one of those who I think are emotionally incapable of dealing about my emotions. I am one of those whose mind floats whenever it can.

I mind about how people perceive me (actually, only in reference to being a slut). I mean, I am one of those who don’t wanna be judged as slutty or something like “flirting” as always. I prefer being looked upon as a demure (I hope!), conservative kind of woman. I know I am a bit old for that, but to be honest, I really am. I think I got this attitude because of the environment I grew up with. Even in college, being surrounded by guys in the engineering world, I’ve became more of this. Maybe because I figured out what/how they think about slutty women and I don’t wanna be thought of that by my guy friends. Which is why, I feel bothered when I get invited by my girlfriends to go partying/clubbing because that’s where the men are. Don’t get me wrong, I love dancing like crazy–like there’s noone watching! And another thing that I love is the existence of men. But if that thought of just going to be picked up by men is the objective, then chances are, I’m out! And if I am also out there, you probably won’t see me at my wildest. I’m sorry but I just can’t. I see others do it and though it seems like they’re having tons of fun, I apologize for my misjudgment of their wild behavior. I really can’t bear the thought that how I misjudge carefree (potentially crazywild) dancing would also be done to me.

It’s very rare for me to drink like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, if I wanted to, I for sure would probably do it. But chilling out with good friends on weekend house parties where drinks are pretty much unlimited, then I can’t go ga-ga everytime. Plus, I try to keep a balance with my yoga and my diet–drinks included.

I’m not really sure where I’m going here, but somehow, I feel like my direction in terms of being at peace is through suppression. With my preference of not being “carefree” (which a friend of mine also emphasized that could also be led to “carelessness”) and instead, just being laid back–which means I just do yoga routinely, read/write/browse/watch through my laptop, play my guitar, or hangout with good friends through a cup of coffee, a plate of good food, two bottles of beer, a spur of the moment night out at a nearby beer cafe/pub, very seldom nights of dressing up with girlfriends, rock gigs/concerts and wearing my good old chucks, and a once in a blue moon travel adventure outside the country (taking advantage of being a stranger in an “almost” strange-yet-exciting-place), I am somehow content with living in the box.

Sometimes, I wonder who I could meet if I partied a lot. But then again, I tell myself, at the end of the day, they’re also just there to get laid. Which now reminds me of a conversation I also had with a close friend (who shares the same profession as mine), that usually, analytic people’s emotions tends to be suppressed. And people who go to clubs/bars are people who wants to GET LAID, and not the typical LAID BACK person as we think we are/prefer. I agreed. I am not generalizing, just exaggerating, so yes, I apologize.

Oh I know, what a loser, right? For a short period of time, I tried not to be, but at the end of all that, I know that’s not where I wanted to be. That I will never be that person. It was tiring and expensive and ate much of my “me time” which meant, putting a lot of thoughts to ponder.

With that carefree-to-almost-wild-idea being suppressed, embracing my boring/loser box (which I prefer and don’t really think that it’s boring/loser box at all), I am somehow content. I know some things are missing, but I think I would figure out a way in adding it eventually in my life without compromising my preferred “laid back” lifestyle.

Thoughts of “being open”, “finding peace” and “being calm” are still beyond my reach. A lot of my thoughts about these are contradicting each other. But to summarize, I’m trying to figure out ways to “be open” without compromising my beliefs, “finding peace” and “being calm” by accepting things as they are (which could also mean that ignoring it) or by facing/dealing with it and still find serenity after. All these, are confusing me and whenever I think about it, I just go in circles.

On achieving it all, I am not sure. I hope I get there though, without losing myself in the process. I hope I get there and achieve it, and knowing where to draw the line between cowardliness and bravery, of knowing how to deal by accepting, ignoring, or through boxing (metaphorically).

Here’s to accepting my boring life (and very rare spontaneous/random get-away that I ALWAYS look forward to!), being open without losing myself, finding calmness, being at peace, and figuring out how these and its reasons would work together though while we both punch back and forth with my typically uptight self.

Here’s to the “blossoming of the opposites”.

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