i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Backup or Backdown

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after several days–or weeks, they’re almost sorted out!

Probably one of the hardest (or most dragging) thing to do is to sort out more than 5 years of your backup to make a 2nd backup to save yourself the possibility of losing your most precious files if in case something crashes.

Sometimes, laziness catches up with us and we tend to forget about transferring our most memorable pictures to our newly bought HDD and then one day… BOOM! Our computer crashes. All we can do is pray really really hard that those could still be recovered.

Lesson learned and so we make a redundant to our redundant drive. Either we backup, or we back down and let fate take its course if in case something bad really happens.

Sometimes though, we tend to be overly sure and rush things and we don’t realize that we have already made a hundred copies of the same file in each of our redundant drives. Talk about REDUNDANT REDUNDANCY! (correct me if it this is right or if it should be “redundant redundant!”) Yeah, you got it.

So here I am, one file–or folder at a time, trying to sort things out… giving me the future benefit of saving disk space and yes–money for more redundancy.

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our age and its technology

a few years back when there were still no ipads, tabs, and touchscreen mobile phones, back when a camera phone was considered the most savvy technology, everyone seemed more resourceful with regards to killing time.

it was only a few years ago when these conversation-eaters and card game-eater (in which i would like to refer to as ipads and its alike) really boomed. with these gadgets being very handy, you’d expect that everywhere you go, you’d see it, and most likely if you have one, you’d bring it.
normally, when i go out with friends to hangout (especially when i haven’t seen them for quite sometime) i’d limit myself from looking at my phone, possibly only when taking pictures or checking for messages that might be important. plus the fact thay i get annoyed when someone does it to me. but nowadays its inevitable.
it was only a few years ago when people would rather bring and read books for idle time… or play card games, or uno. or drinking games… or truth or dare. something like that. endless conversations too! both deep and lame conversations.
but now, if by any chance that there’s an idle time, most of us can’t help but look into that particular app, fb profile, tweet, or games. until everyone does.
look at what i am doing now, blogging while waiting for everyone to get settled before playing charades, while everyone else is doing the same thing i have mentioned here. as much as i don’t want to, i am not the best in the game of stares and wait for everyone to put down their gadgets. and not the best topic starter in convos. so i dive and join the techno-fiesta.

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Something Exciting: To allow myself to evolve means to allow my plans to evolve too

The funny thing about planning our future is that no matter how “planned” it could be, chances are, it would still change. The fact that I am going to stay jobless for quite some time (because I plan on having a surgery for my scoliosis), means that I can’t make solid plans until then, until I actually fully recover. What I like about it is that I can actually do whatever I want after that.

What seems relevant for me to do now might not be relevant to do eventually. My last job (which is similar to what I’ve been doing over the past 6 years) is actually an upto-date skill based, and thus, if I can’t work and rekindle it in a period of a year, it could mean that I might have to look for other options to reintegrate myself in the telco business to be relevant.

A few weeks ago, I envisioned myself in a year or so to finally resume my extended vacation (post op). This includes securing a student permit somewhere in Europe so that I could go travel to the places that I haven’t been to yet. Of course an Asian trip, US trip, World Cup trip, and a Philippine trip are included. So that would be another year of not pursuing a career. Emphasis to  traveling everywhere. A dream that I so want to pursue.

But this weekend, I went to one of those beautiful beaches here in the Philippines (that I originally thought as overrated before I even got there–I was wrong!) and it was A-MA-ZING!!! I went to Boracay. I now know why everyone loved that place. To be honest, I thought I preferred a place of pure beauty and serenity. Boracay is beautiful but I must say, it isn’t purely serene. It is developed and commercialized over the past few years, which gave me a reason to doubt it even before setting foot. But as I got there, it grew on me. My fondness of it is the same fondness I have for Manila. It’s a mixture of the things that I love and the things that I hate, but overall, I know I could live there and I would love it.

Who could resist this?!?!!!???!!!??Image

And now, as I think of the things that I want to do in the next year or so, I am more open to other possibilities. A possibility of just relocating to a remote island somewhere in the Philippines (or even in Boracay) and staying there for a while. Another possibility is to just go and find my way here in the country or just in Southeast Asia.

Of course there’s this idea of actually having someone with me (hopefully!) by then. But being single, a bit successful (as per my personal standard) and really independent over the past few years, finally having someone might come as a bit of a challenge for me. But last December, I moved back home. Since I don’t really have a place of my own (since I didn’t want to finalize where I actually want to settle as well as having debts that would restrict me from making quick moving plans should I want to), I am currently living back at my parents’. And it’s more practical that way since they would be the one taking care of me should I finally get my surgery.

Moving back home felt a bit weird at first. On the first night that I went out, my dad actually called and texted me if I wanted for him to pick me up! And was really worried that I wasn’t home yet. It was 10 PM. WHAT??? And when my mom got home, I actually felt annoyed by small questions of what I want to do, or where I want to put things and all that. I felt like I was treated like a kid. And I cracked. Seriously cracked. I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It’s just that I have been alone and independent for a long time, and someone looking out for me or taking care of me was a bit of a challenge at first. But now, I am already adjusting. I think so are they. 🙂

To plan for the future is exciting and overwhelming. Especially since there are a lot of possibilities and room for changes each and every single day. Our growth is constant. Changes are constant. And thus, our needs and our desires would definitely vary over time. The anticipation that I used to get when I was still studying in college, of what my future would be, is the same anticipation that I am currently having. I could write it the way I want to when I actually start getting there.  Anything is possible.

As I do my yoga practice earlier, I thought to again start saying an intention. My intention was to allow myself to evolve, to allow myself to just go with the flow and do what I need to do during my practice. To be fluid and not to restrict myself with an ideal flow. Just allow myself. Allow myself to evolve both through my yoga practice, and through life, with the plans to change from time to time, and my view and attitude in dealing with the changes brought up around me.

I don’t know yet what I am really going to do after my surgery. I have to actually start the process of consulting an Orthopedic surgeon (again) first and pump up the volume for the party. And along with it, I should allow myself to evolve so that when I get there, I will be a better person.

It is going to be really exciting, that unforeseen future. It is going to be awesome, because that’s how I want my life to be. But for now, atleast for the next few weeks, I have to get healthy, consult a doctor, attend a festival, go to a wedding, and finally have an operation… And of course after that, to hope and pray that everything is okay and successful.

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Temporarily BUMMING Around: Claiming my reward after a FULL 4Q of 2012, or must I say a blessed 6.5 years of work

A lot has happened over the past few months, since the last time I visited this blog. I haven’t even updated this blog with stuff that I feel I should’ve taken notes of even before my last update!

Anyway, tonight is a good time to start.

The past few months have been really fast, specifically the last quarter of 2012.

September had been a fruitful month of travelling, and having weekend dinner dates or partying with good friends. It was also the time of contract/”market value” haggling with my then-future employer.

Europe 2012 summary

October, well, it was the time of me re-thinking about my career move, granted that I sealed the deal with my then-future employer. Re-thinking because at that time, I’ve already made some sort of 2013 plans that are life-changing in a BIG way for me. October was also the month when I sought for higher guidance from God because I felt a bit lost in my own “new-found” world (I don’t know how I became some sort of a “party-girl” almost always “out and about” on top of my typical dinner or movie weekends). Thus, this was the time I reassessed my routine after realizing that this new lifestyle isn’t for me (to be specific, I prefer to be the boring one. I like being laid back :D).

October

I filled my November with activities such as volunteering for various organizations, visiting galleries, and some long weekend out of town. I’ve been feeling lost and I thought, these activities would put me back on my feet. Somehow, it did. However, November was also the time I had been emotionally exhausted because of having this silent conflict with my BFF. It was then when I realized that the life I am currently living isn’t enough anymore. I was and still am very blessed with a lot of things, but I know that this was the time I had to acknowledge that I shouldn’t procrastinate and deny the things that are missing in my life. This was the time that I had to put on a lot of thinking and have acknowledged that this is the right time that I had to make changes in my life. I have concluded that in order for me to move forward, I have to finally be willing to close this chapter of my book. In simpler terms, pack my things and go, start anew. I had to be courageous to let go of whatever was holding me back. This was the right time and after months/years of procrastination, I did it! That conflict was a blessing in disguise. All that see-saw decision making back in September, just when I thought it was over, had been revisited and re-concluded. 🙂

Sweet November

December came by really quickly. I managed to go to Kathmandu in Nepal and did my first trek EVER (even though I was completely unprepared) and saw the Himalayas from afar–at the top of the Shivapuri Hill! After that weekend, I spent the remaining 2 weeks in Dubai going to work on daytime, packing my stuff at nighttime, yoga classes on Mondays & Wednesdays and having send off dinners/parties  with loved ones in between. Then just in time I arrived here in the Philippines, I went straight to the couturier for the fitting of my gown (I was a bridesmaid after all!). 2 days after that, I attended the wedding.

DECEMBER

Only after Christmas that my time became really relaxed. I just went wherever they planned to go. Ate whatever is available to eat. And of course, slept and watched TV in between. It was the life that I never thought I would experience. On my 3rd week of bumming around, I suddenly thought of finding something to do, like part time online. But I immediately erased that idea because I know that thought would trigger my brain cells and tell me that I NEED TO DO WORK ON SOMETHING NOW, which would eventually lead me to actually start looking for something to do, and stress me out because I can’t find anything to do. Yes, I erased that thought and even if it walks by me from time to time, I try to not acknowledge it. This might sound crazy or even stupid, but I guess now is the time to actually enjoy not doing anything at all. And trust me, it is awesome. After working for the past 6.5 years continuously, this is the break that I need. Though I go on vacations from time to time in the past years, those vacations don’t really involve “not doing anything”. And this is the very first time I actually did it.

I am very much grateful for the past few years of being busy, working and travelling, earning and indulging. I am very grateful for all that. And after quitting my job last year and currently not working, I know I am still very blessed because not everyone is given the opportunity to enjoy sleeping and eating and watching TV without worrying so much about tomorrow. I know I would eventually feel the need to start moving again, but for now, I appreciate this kind of lifestyle. 🙂

Once I start my 2013 plan and complete it, then I will start to get back on my feet and hopefully go back to the jungle. AYAYAYAYAY!!!

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remembering a perspective after a big yet “small” senseless regret

As I sit on the plane, mentally beating myself up because of the fact that I didn’t grab the opportunity to buy pashminas (seriously bummed about it!!!) in Nepal because of several reasons (I got a huge headache from morning til before lunch which could be caused by a hangover, pms, the previous day’s hike, the weather, pollution, or all of the above), several thoughts started to sink in.

I know that I would eventually get over the missed opportunity of buying those–they are in fact just material things. I just feel bad that I wasn’t able to get one for my mom and my grandma. I feel really bad about taking too much time with my headache that I wasn’t able to walk much earlier and not going to the money exchange when I had the opportunity to do so because of not realizing immediately that I might get short. Just when I became ok, I focused first in the keychains then got distracted with the accessories, not realizing immediately that it would be really nice to buy one for my mom, myself, and my grandma. I feel bummed, really!

So materialistic, seems that way. Maybe it’s karma, because I bargained too much. Or maybe somehow I became selfish. Or maybe it’s just a chain reaction of a flaw in my actions that led to it. Or maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

It seems pretty shallow, I know. But sometimes, I tend to think more about these little things, because it could’ve meant something big for someone else. I pray for this self-beating to go away fast! I have more thoughts that I need to ponder on. Much more important things to think about.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I finally did. A lot of people asked me to think about it first. A lot of them asked me too if I was sure. I have thought a lot about it. And of course, I will never be sure.

The past few weeks became really tough for me. I almost had a falling out with a very good friend of mine. It was soooo heartbreaking because we’re like sisters and it was really painful to be in that process. I have never felt so alone back then. I guess somehow, that triggered for me to make the decision that I should leave.

During that time, when I was really down, it got me thinking: maybe I should leave now. Everyone around me are moving on with their lives, making drastic changes with their future. Changes such as jobs, being in a commitment, starting families, or doing something else. I know that my life in Dubai is somehow nice. To be honest, I think I really got lucky along the way, because it has become really convenient and cozy to live there. But then again, I have always been thinking about making changes. I have always been planning to take longer trips… Or probably take some courses back home or abroad. Finally get an operation to help my back and hopefully lessen my undying insecurity. Hopefully connect with a soulmate… Or live somewhere else and start anew.

All these thoughts, these new adventures, they are exciting. I’ve always thought about it but I always procrastinate. And somehow, during that low point of mine, I asked myself: “what am I waiting for?” “If it could happen sooner and if I have been preparing for it, why do I have to wait longer?”

Me and my good friend eventually talked and it really took off that huge pain in my chest. The moment we made up, I forgot that feeling of sorrow. And I know that our friendship just became stronger. I didn’t realize how strong a bond could be if that didn’t happen. I honestly thought that that was it for us. I actually accepted it already, that we can’t be friends anymore. But the moment we became honest, everything fell to the right place perfectly.

But I am still leaving Dubai. I guess the past few weeks have given more perspective. The convenience is hard to let go, and I will forever be grateful for a lot of opportunities that was given to me in the past. There’s just so much to be thankful for. Countless memories to share. It has been a very amazing journey. And though this chapter of my life is about to close, opening a new one is something to look forward to.

During my hike yesterday, the conversations I had with my fellow hikers made me realize how short our life really is. There is so much to do, to see, to experience and to appreciate in this world with so little time. Maybe I don’t wanna die at 60. Maybe I prefer dying at 80 or even more. And if I wait any longer, the time might come that I will regret not doing the things that I wasn’t able to do and beat myself for the rest of my adult or elderly life. And these changes could create a chain of reaction that my life has been looking forward to. And i don’t want to live a life “just always looking forward to it” and not really doing it. I don’t want to wait until it is too late and always wonder: “What if?”.

Not being able to buy the pashmina is a bit of a bummer, but it is something I could move on from easily. But waiting and waiting to find the perfect time to take a risk and make changes in life and eventually miss out that opportunity is something else. Material things come and go. They could be seen, bought, or even be given. It comes in different forms and it could be something that could be very meaningful to someone else. But I guess, if we miss getting some things and beat ourselves up, in a certain period of time, we would eventually forget about it. After all, they are just material things.

But for our new found life perspective, if we miss out in chasing our dreams, then that is something else. True that sometimes, our life’s plans don’t go as we planned for it to be. It is human nature to evolve and to make changes along the way. But not taking a step at all is something harder to live for once we realize it’s too late.

I believe that there is a right time for each of us to be “at home” in terms of accepting life as it is and finally “just being there” comfortably, wherever that may be. Something like “I’ve been there, done that, and I am okay with this, and this is the place (metaphorically speaking) where I want my life to finally be.” Good for those who are finally in that place. But for some of us who are waiting and searching that path, the only way to get there is to start now.

I have less than two weeks to run errands and work before I finally settle back home. I am expecting the adjustment to be a bit tough and would probably regret for rushing it all in. But maybe, just maybe, it would give me another perspective.

Regret is not a healthy option for us. We are prone to it and most of the time, it is inevitable. Our thoughts and actions now defines how our life would be come. Fate, I believe, surprises us especially when we’re off guard. Sometimes, it also leads us to a better path. It comes in different forms and whichever direction we prefer, something will also be there. We could pass up on material things because it is a lot easier to move on to. And usually, our materialism ties us unwillingly in so many ways. But for life, passing up on it “now” thinking that we could do it later is something else. Our life is short and it is really special. We could make it the way we want for it to be. Life’s regret is not as easy as the regret of not being able to get material things. I don’t want for that to happen, losing time, not having enough time. Surely, acceptance of the future’s present would come eventually. But life is short to even linger in denial before the acceptance part.

Whether it be small or big, we should not miss up when life gives us the opportunity that we want. We might get confused along the way, and that’s not really a bad thing. Confusion means choices and it just means that we could redefine our future. If we choose not to take what is presented in front of us and instead accept what has been comfortable, then that doesn’t mean that we made a wrong move of not making changes. Maybe it just isn’t the right time. Or maybe, we’ve found the place where we want ourselves to be.

We could only do so much with our little time in this world. It is only upto us on how we want for it to be.

Here’s to turning regrets/denials into having new perspectives.

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Moving on with our Continuous Practice called Life.

Lately, I’ve been trying to distance myself from chatting with my roommate. She is, or maybe, was, a good friend. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure with how I feel.

I’ve been trying to avoid saying something, especially if it isn’t all pleasant. Thoughts about “if you’ve got nothing better to say, then shut up” is what I’ve been thinking of, trying to stop myself from spreading bad vibes.

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, my unhappy thoughts and sentiments. For a moment, I become successful. But as nature calls, I can’t change who I am. And so, it flows.

As I was searching for a yoga quote to help a friend win this contest, I ran into this:

“Your yoga begins when you leave the classroom.
It’s how you relate to people and how you relate to the world.
Your yoga is the giving and receiving.
It’s the wellness between inner and outer worlds.

Your yoga is living the purpose of your life.
Your yoga is to spread peace one person at a time.”

Nancy Gerstein

Such inspiring words.

I’ve been trying to keep my calm, be at peace, and walk towards serenity lately through silence and partly suppression of emotions. But I realized, what I’ve been doing isn’t the way it should be.

Just because I am a very emotional human being, who often worries or gets ridiculously sad over small things, doesn’t mean that in order for me to be at that “place”, I have to suppress my emotions and ignore the negativity around me.

Just because I have been used to being very vocal about what I think or how I feel, doesn’t mean that I have to be completely silent like as if there’s no one around me. Where’s the harmony in living a world with people without acknowledging their existence in our lives?

Just because I don’t wanna be friends anymore with this person (another story to tell–I am a bad friend if I kept my friendship–but part of me tells me I am ridiculous and this statement would possibly be ruled out), doesn’t mean I have to treat her like as if we’re strangers in our roof.

Yoga is a constant practice that we need to carry on all the time. It’s not just about being able to build strength or enhance flexibility. (Metaphorically and non metaphorically speaking) It is constant practice that allows us to breathe in and out continuously. It allows us to flow with our actions, our movements. It tells us to hold on, focus, and be still. It teaches us to open our hearts and our minds, stay conscious and always be mindful. It asks us to listen and know our own body and feel what is right for us. It is becoming at peace with ourselves, with our own thoughts, with our own actions, without any judgement. And as what most of my yoga instructors have spoken of, we should carry it on with us not just inside the classroom, but even after we step out. And that’s where the true challenge of being at peace begins.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say (and would be trying to do), is in order for me to be at peace with myself, I have to acknowledge my emotions when they need to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t suppress them, otherwise, they would burst. Like in yoga, when we can’t hold a pose, we make adjustments as this is what our bodies tell us. Thus, we have to acknowledge how we feel inside. Only then we could do what we’re supposed to do, whether be it in taking actions in how we feel–laugh, cry, think, or talk, or as in yoga, adjust our pose for the benefits it could provide to our body.

With maintaining my calm at work, I guess, to date it has been successful. And that makes me give myself a pat on the back.

Now, as for dealing with the silence in the house, it confuses me if I should start an open forum (the term confrontation scares me) with my roommate about why I haven’t been acting the same way as I did before. I am still hurt about what had happened and this level of hurt is usually the one which goes unnoticed unless being told with. It’s the kind of hurt that gives me a very hard time to talk about and just tells me to runaway. I fear that if we reach the level of confrontation, this present awkwardness would elevate and I don’t want for that to happen. It’s more peaceful this way, with my insides being torn apart of heartache, saving everyone else from the potential future disaster. It’s better this way, while my roommate unconsciously benefits of not knowing anything—anything but mere awkward silence. It’s better that way than for me to tell her what went wrong and with the situation not allowing us to take back the words that were fired upon.

I know that though I am trying to keep the peace in this house, it still isn’t right. By being silent, I am able to limit myself from expressing my thoughts and emotions, which meant that I am limiting myself from being hurt, and limiting myself to hurt others. Limiting the disappointments. Suppression of words, not thoughts. A pause in the unspoken chaos. There’s peace in silence. But I’m not entirely sure. In this case, is there? I know that I probably am not doing the right thing. But this is the best deal I could give myself this moment. I am confused on what to do and how to deal with it.

Yoga tells us to listen to what our body tells us. Life, tells us to listen. When we stop and take a pause, we are allowed to look, listen, and feel. Inside the classroom, our instructor is there to guide us. In our continuous practice, in our life, we don’t. It is a bit of a struggle to put all of these into our daily practice, and much harder because at crossroads, we don’t really know what to do. Sometimes, we get confused if we should take a step back and adjust to what we’ve been used to (whether in yoga pose or in dealing with most of the situation), or challenge ourselves to the next level. But we have to listen to ourselves.

Inside the classroom, the usual 1.5 hours of practice deals with breathing, focus and concentration to achieve the poses, to strengthen our minds and our bodies, to meditate, to be present. We could adjust our pose in one or two breaths. Outside the classroom, the rest of our practice goes on and we could apply the same. The rest of our practice is a lot more challenging, for we deal with different people, different circumstances, different emotions. But we are still lucky, because we’re not forced to dealing with it in one or two breaths. We are given more than that, to pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. It is a continuous practice. Yoga is. And life, well, of course it is.

Now, it’s time for me to continue. To pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. I should, and I will, continuously.

Namaste.

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Blossoming of the Opposites

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I thought I should put some illustration to “expand” my artistic side and not make the blog “boring”. 🙂

I’ve been trying to find that place of serenity. I’ve been trying to control my emotions and suppress my instinctive annoyance with pressures from work and the people that sort of triggers it. I’ve been thinking that the best way to be calm when irritation strikes is by trying to breathe in and breathe out, and not minding it at all.

I know that if I continue doing this, then I’d be in a place where I would be at my calmest. But somehow, it fears me that by doing so, I’d start to ignore a lot of issues, whether it matters or not. It could mean that rather than facing and dealing with it, I’d just brush it of, ignore it, bury it, or turn my back on it. It is confusing, actually. I want to think about it, really. I know I will, as I will always be my normal analytic self.

I truly admire those people who are carefree–in thoughts and in actions. I remember having this conversation with a good friend of mine, if he thinks I am a bit uptight or something like that. And his initial reaction was: “where is this coming from?”. Well, I just know I am. At times I try to not care about some things that I do care about (in reference to being uptight and carefree), but most of the time, I fail. Small things like drinking, or “partying” or even giving some sort of impression.

In my opinion, carefree people don’t really mind a lot of these things. They always just “go with the flow”. Drink like there’s no tomorrow, if they want to. Go to clubs and parties, while not giving a shit about who’s gonna be there, who’s watching, and just go wild if they wanted to. And thus, wouldn’t mind if other people becomes judge-y of the impression that the outer appearance/action sends off. Do things the way they want to, giving their best in the moment, and not minding what could happen after that.

I am not like that. Probably only when I get out of my comfort zone–say when I travel abroad where no one knows me and I could do anything and people would laugh then forget about my existence in a day of their lifetime. But then again, I am not like my traveler persona in my daily average life. I am one of those who work, tries to stay on a budget, and save for something (which by the way, I haven’t completely figured out yet!). I am one of those people who “mind” a lot of stuff, whether it be big or small. I am one of those who I think are emotionally incapable of dealing about my emotions. I am one of those whose mind floats whenever it can.

I mind about how people perceive me (actually, only in reference to being a slut). I mean, I am one of those who don’t wanna be judged as slutty or something like “flirting” as always. I prefer being looked upon as a demure (I hope!), conservative kind of woman. I know I am a bit old for that, but to be honest, I really am. I think I got this attitude because of the environment I grew up with. Even in college, being surrounded by guys in the engineering world, I’ve became more of this. Maybe because I figured out what/how they think about slutty women and I don’t wanna be thought of that by my guy friends. Which is why, I feel bothered when I get invited by my girlfriends to go partying/clubbing because that’s where the men are. Don’t get me wrong, I love dancing like crazy–like there’s noone watching! And another thing that I love is the existence of men. But if that thought of just going to be picked up by men is the objective, then chances are, I’m out! And if I am also out there, you probably won’t see me at my wildest. I’m sorry but I just can’t. I see others do it and though it seems like they’re having tons of fun, I apologize for my misjudgment of their wild behavior. I really can’t bear the thought that how I misjudge carefree (potentially crazywild) dancing would also be done to me.

It’s very rare for me to drink like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, if I wanted to, I for sure would probably do it. But chilling out with good friends on weekend house parties where drinks are pretty much unlimited, then I can’t go ga-ga everytime. Plus, I try to keep a balance with my yoga and my diet–drinks included.

I’m not really sure where I’m going here, but somehow, I feel like my direction in terms of being at peace is through suppression. With my preference of not being “carefree” (which a friend of mine also emphasized that could also be led to “carelessness”) and instead, just being laid back–which means I just do yoga routinely, read/write/browse/watch through my laptop, play my guitar, or hangout with good friends through a cup of coffee, a plate of good food, two bottles of beer, a spur of the moment night out at a nearby beer cafe/pub, very seldom nights of dressing up with girlfriends, rock gigs/concerts and wearing my good old chucks, and a once in a blue moon travel adventure outside the country (taking advantage of being a stranger in an “almost” strange-yet-exciting-place), I am somehow content with living in the box.

Sometimes, I wonder who I could meet if I partied a lot. But then again, I tell myself, at the end of the day, they’re also just there to get laid. Which now reminds me of a conversation I also had with a close friend (who shares the same profession as mine), that usually, analytic people’s emotions tends to be suppressed. And people who go to clubs/bars are people who wants to GET LAID, and not the typical LAID BACK person as we think we are/prefer. I agreed. I am not generalizing, just exaggerating, so yes, I apologize.

Oh I know, what a loser, right? For a short period of time, I tried not to be, but at the end of all that, I know that’s not where I wanted to be. That I will never be that person. It was tiring and expensive and ate much of my “me time” which meant, putting a lot of thoughts to ponder.

With that carefree-to-almost-wild-idea being suppressed, embracing my boring/loser box (which I prefer and don’t really think that it’s boring/loser box at all), I am somehow content. I know some things are missing, but I think I would figure out a way in adding it eventually in my life without compromising my preferred “laid back” lifestyle.

Thoughts of “being open”, “finding peace” and “being calm” are still beyond my reach. A lot of my thoughts about these are contradicting each other. But to summarize, I’m trying to figure out ways to “be open” without compromising my beliefs, “finding peace” and “being calm” by accepting things as they are (which could also mean that ignoring it) or by facing/dealing with it and still find serenity after. All these, are confusing me and whenever I think about it, I just go in circles.

On achieving it all, I am not sure. I hope I get there though, without losing myself in the process. I hope I get there and achieve it, and knowing where to draw the line between cowardliness and bravery, of knowing how to deal by accepting, ignoring, or through boxing (metaphorically).

Here’s to accepting my boring life (and very rare spontaneous/random get-away that I ALWAYS look forward to!), being open without losing myself, finding calmness, being at peace, and figuring out how these and its reasons would work together though while we both punch back and forth with my typically uptight self.

Here’s to the “blossoming of the opposites”.

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hopefully not a tragic end

dear blog,

today is one of those days that i feel like i can’t talk to anyone. i know God knows what is in my heart. i tell myself now to just breathe and let go and not think about it too much. it just hurts to know that sometimes, growing apart from a close friend is inevitable if the path you prefer is different. i sincerely want to be happy for them and to support them but i find it so hard in my heart to do so because deep down, i just can’t. i think about it, of actually not thinking about it. i try not to be judgy because i want to be a good friend. but i can’t. it is just so hard. i try to be honest, but i become brutal by doing so. if i shut up, then i become brutal to myself. i am conflicted.

i hope it’s not all lost.

i pray for guidance because i am confused. i am such a bad friend. i don’t think i was ever a good one.

:(,
kat

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So Little Time, So Much To Do

We all wanna do a lot of things, but usually, we all think about it simultaneously and end up doing nothing. We end up being confused on what to prioritize.

I’ve been thinking of learning new stuff about work. There’s this new (somehow old, actually) technology which we call LTE–4G.

I’ve been thinking of reviewing the materials I got from the training I attended last month. 20+ PDF files and I’ve been down with just 1.

I really wanna push through with fixing and updating my blog, share stories about my recent EuroTrip, dig in my past recollections, my reunion with old friends, meditation and yoga, and much more.

Searching and joining an organization/charity that would fill up my time and make me feel more fulfilled.

Fixing my morning and nightly routine (it has been messed up for as long as I could remember).

Improving my guitar playing.

Cleaning the house that has been messy for months now, and everything in between.

It all boils down to how I’m gonna do it, which one first, and whennnnn???

I guess listing it down (now) would definitely help. Surely I’ve left some thing that would probably ring a bell later on.

Small things, big things. It doesn’t matter. I can’t get anything done. See, I am always distracted and confused. :/

Time Management. I know, that’s my issue.

Before I become at peace with Time, I need to go to a silent war with procrastination and self-distraction (not destruction!).

I am so lax I almost never get things done. I need a change. I guess only I could make it, yeah?

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Why can’t the cops in my country look like this?

Here are some pictures that I took on different occasions during my travel with the local police on stand by. If the cops look like this in my country, it’s either I behave really well, or I’d go really crazy and allow myself to be captured in their arms. Hahahah Kidding!!! 😛

Do you think they have like a “good looking/hotness” factor or requirement to be a cop? Oh.

1. Just across the Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain. 2010

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2. Las Ramblas, Barcelona, Spain. 2010

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3. Istiklal, Istanbul, Turkey

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4. Blue Mosque, Istanbul Turkey

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