i won't worry my life away

confronting thoughts and embarking on different adventures, one moment at a time

Is it really okay to get lost?

Because this is how I feel right now. I thought that by this time, by this age, I got things figured out. Not having a five year plan or a vision of my future is not something I’ve imagined. But how come I am in this unwanted confusion at the age of 30? Haven’t I been through it already some two years ago? What if my ultimate goal is to just have a content life? If I got lucky, to have a blissful one. But what about the other things? I think everything else is just as important. Career, love, and the direction that comes with it. I know I am the one who’s stopping myself. But I can’t seem to move past that right now. I don’t want to attribute being lost with being scared. I probably am both. I wish I could figure things out right now.

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our age and its technology

a few years back when there were still no ipads, tabs, and touchscreen mobile phones, back when a camera phone was considered the most savvy technology, everyone seemed more resourceful with regards to killing time.

it was only a few years ago when these conversation-eaters and card game-eater (in which i would like to refer to as ipads and its alike) really boomed. with these gadgets being very handy, you’d expect that everywhere you go, you’d see it, and most likely if you have one, you’d bring it.
normally, when i go out with friends to hangout (especially when i haven’t seen them for quite sometime) i’d limit myself from looking at my phone, possibly only when taking pictures or checking for messages that might be important. plus the fact thay i get annoyed when someone does it to me. but nowadays its inevitable.
it was only a few years ago when people would rather bring and read books for idle time… or play card games, or uno. or drinking games… or truth or dare. something like that. endless conversations too! both deep and lame conversations.
but now, if by any chance that there’s an idle time, most of us can’t help but look into that particular app, fb profile, tweet, or games. until everyone does.
look at what i am doing now, blogging while waiting for everyone to get settled before playing charades, while everyone else is doing the same thing i have mentioned here. as much as i don’t want to, i am not the best in the game of stares and wait for everyone to put down their gadgets. and not the best topic starter in convos. so i dive and join the techno-fiesta.

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Something Exciting: To allow myself to evolve means to allow my plans to evolve too

The funny thing about planning our future is that no matter how “planned” it could be, chances are, it would still change. The fact that I am going to stay jobless for quite some time (because I plan on having a surgery for my scoliosis), means that I can’t make solid plans until then, until I actually fully recover. What I like about it is that I can actually do whatever I want after that.

What seems relevant for me to do now might not be relevant to do eventually. My last job (which is similar to what I’ve been doing over the past 6 years) is actually an upto-date skill based, and thus, if I can’t work and rekindle it in a period of a year, it could mean that I might have to look for other options to reintegrate myself in the telco business to be relevant.

A few weeks ago, I envisioned myself in a year or so to finally resume my extended vacation (post op). This includes securing a student permit somewhere in Europe so that I could go travel to the places that I haven’t been to yet. Of course an Asian trip, US trip, World Cup trip, and a Philippine trip are included. So that would be another year of not pursuing a career. Emphasis to  traveling everywhere. A dream that I so want to pursue.

But this weekend, I went to one of those beautiful beaches here in the Philippines (that I originally thought as overrated before I even got there–I was wrong!) and it was A-MA-ZING!!! I went to Boracay. I now know why everyone loved that place. To be honest, I thought I preferred a place of pure beauty and serenity. Boracay is beautiful but I must say, it isn’t purely serene. It is developed and commercialized over the past few years, which gave me a reason to doubt it even before setting foot. But as I got there, it grew on me. My fondness of it is the same fondness I have for Manila. It’s a mixture of the things that I love and the things that I hate, but overall, I know I could live there and I would love it.

Who could resist this?!?!!!???!!!??Image

And now, as I think of the things that I want to do in the next year or so, I am more open to other possibilities. A possibility of just relocating to a remote island somewhere in the Philippines (or even in Boracay) and staying there for a while. Another possibility is to just go and find my way here in the country or just in Southeast Asia.

Of course there’s this idea of actually having someone with me (hopefully!) by then. But being single, a bit successful (as per my personal standard) and really independent over the past few years, finally having someone might come as a bit of a challenge for me. But last December, I moved back home. Since I don’t really have a place of my own (since I didn’t want to finalize where I actually want to settle as well as having debts that would restrict me from making quick moving plans should I want to), I am currently living back at my parents’. And it’s more practical that way since they would be the one taking care of me should I finally get my surgery.

Moving back home felt a bit weird at first. On the first night that I went out, my dad actually called and texted me if I wanted for him to pick me up! And was really worried that I wasn’t home yet. It was 10 PM. WHAT??? And when my mom got home, I actually felt annoyed by small questions of what I want to do, or where I want to put things and all that. I felt like I was treated like a kid. And I cracked. Seriously cracked. I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It’s just that I have been alone and independent for a long time, and someone looking out for me or taking care of me was a bit of a challenge at first. But now, I am already adjusting. I think so are they. 🙂

To plan for the future is exciting and overwhelming. Especially since there are a lot of possibilities and room for changes each and every single day. Our growth is constant. Changes are constant. And thus, our needs and our desires would definitely vary over time. The anticipation that I used to get when I was still studying in college, of what my future would be, is the same anticipation that I am currently having. I could write it the way I want to when I actually start getting there.  Anything is possible.

As I do my yoga practice earlier, I thought to again start saying an intention. My intention was to allow myself to evolve, to allow myself to just go with the flow and do what I need to do during my practice. To be fluid and not to restrict myself with an ideal flow. Just allow myself. Allow myself to evolve both through my yoga practice, and through life, with the plans to change from time to time, and my view and attitude in dealing with the changes brought up around me.

I don’t know yet what I am really going to do after my surgery. I have to actually start the process of consulting an Orthopedic surgeon (again) first and pump up the volume for the party. And along with it, I should allow myself to evolve so that when I get there, I will be a better person.

It is going to be really exciting, that unforeseen future. It is going to be awesome, because that’s how I want my life to be. But for now, atleast for the next few weeks, I have to get healthy, consult a doctor, attend a festival, go to a wedding, and finally have an operation… And of course after that, to hope and pray that everything is okay and successful.

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Temporarily BUMMING Around: Claiming my reward after a FULL 4Q of 2012, or must I say a blessed 6.5 years of work

A lot has happened over the past few months, since the last time I visited this blog. I haven’t even updated this blog with stuff that I feel I should’ve taken notes of even before my last update!

Anyway, tonight is a good time to start.

The past few months have been really fast, specifically the last quarter of 2012.

September had been a fruitful month of travelling, and having weekend dinner dates or partying with good friends. It was also the time of contract/”market value” haggling with my then-future employer.

Europe 2012 summary

October, well, it was the time of me re-thinking about my career move, granted that I sealed the deal with my then-future employer. Re-thinking because at that time, I’ve already made some sort of 2013 plans that are life-changing in a BIG way for me. October was also the month when I sought for higher guidance from God because I felt a bit lost in my own “new-found” world (I don’t know how I became some sort of a “party-girl” almost always “out and about” on top of my typical dinner or movie weekends). Thus, this was the time I reassessed my routine after realizing that this new lifestyle isn’t for me (to be specific, I prefer to be the boring one. I like being laid back :D).

October

I filled my November with activities such as volunteering for various organizations, visiting galleries, and some long weekend out of town. I’ve been feeling lost and I thought, these activities would put me back on my feet. Somehow, it did. However, November was also the time I had been emotionally exhausted because of having this silent conflict with my BFF. It was then when I realized that the life I am currently living isn’t enough anymore. I was and still am very blessed with a lot of things, but I know that this was the time I had to acknowledge that I shouldn’t procrastinate and deny the things that are missing in my life. This was the time that I had to put on a lot of thinking and have acknowledged that this is the right time that I had to make changes in my life. I have concluded that in order for me to move forward, I have to finally be willing to close this chapter of my book. In simpler terms, pack my things and go, start anew. I had to be courageous to let go of whatever was holding me back. This was the right time and after months/years of procrastination, I did it! That conflict was a blessing in disguise. All that see-saw decision making back in September, just when I thought it was over, had been revisited and re-concluded. 🙂

Sweet November

December came by really quickly. I managed to go to Kathmandu in Nepal and did my first trek EVER (even though I was completely unprepared) and saw the Himalayas from afar–at the top of the Shivapuri Hill! After that weekend, I spent the remaining 2 weeks in Dubai going to work on daytime, packing my stuff at nighttime, yoga classes on Mondays & Wednesdays and having send off dinners/parties  with loved ones in between. Then just in time I arrived here in the Philippines, I went straight to the couturier for the fitting of my gown (I was a bridesmaid after all!). 2 days after that, I attended the wedding.

DECEMBER

Only after Christmas that my time became really relaxed. I just went wherever they planned to go. Ate whatever is available to eat. And of course, slept and watched TV in between. It was the life that I never thought I would experience. On my 3rd week of bumming around, I suddenly thought of finding something to do, like part time online. But I immediately erased that idea because I know that thought would trigger my brain cells and tell me that I NEED TO DO WORK ON SOMETHING NOW, which would eventually lead me to actually start looking for something to do, and stress me out because I can’t find anything to do. Yes, I erased that thought and even if it walks by me from time to time, I try to not acknowledge it. This might sound crazy or even stupid, but I guess now is the time to actually enjoy not doing anything at all. And trust me, it is awesome. After working for the past 6.5 years continuously, this is the break that I need. Though I go on vacations from time to time in the past years, those vacations don’t really involve “not doing anything”. And this is the very first time I actually did it.

I am very much grateful for the past few years of being busy, working and travelling, earning and indulging. I am very grateful for all that. And after quitting my job last year and currently not working, I know I am still very blessed because not everyone is given the opportunity to enjoy sleeping and eating and watching TV without worrying so much about tomorrow. I know I would eventually feel the need to start moving again, but for now, I appreciate this kind of lifestyle. 🙂

Once I start my 2013 plan and complete it, then I will start to get back on my feet and hopefully go back to the jungle. AYAYAYAYAY!!!

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remembering a perspective after a big yet “small” senseless regret

As I sit on the plane, mentally beating myself up because of the fact that I didn’t grab the opportunity to buy pashminas (seriously bummed about it!!!) in Nepal because of several reasons (I got a huge headache from morning til before lunch which could be caused by a hangover, pms, the previous day’s hike, the weather, pollution, or all of the above), several thoughts started to sink in.

I know that I would eventually get over the missed opportunity of buying those–they are in fact just material things. I just feel bad that I wasn’t able to get one for my mom and my grandma. I feel really bad about taking too much time with my headache that I wasn’t able to walk much earlier and not going to the money exchange when I had the opportunity to do so because of not realizing immediately that I might get short. Just when I became ok, I focused first in the keychains then got distracted with the accessories, not realizing immediately that it would be really nice to buy one for my mom, myself, and my grandma. I feel bummed, really!

So materialistic, seems that way. Maybe it’s karma, because I bargained too much. Or maybe somehow I became selfish. Or maybe it’s just a chain reaction of a flaw in my actions that led to it. Or maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

It seems pretty shallow, I know. But sometimes, I tend to think more about these little things, because it could’ve meant something big for someone else. I pray for this self-beating to go away fast! I have more thoughts that I need to ponder on. Much more important things to think about.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I finally did. A lot of people asked me to think about it first. A lot of them asked me too if I was sure. I have thought a lot about it. And of course, I will never be sure.

The past few weeks became really tough for me. I almost had a falling out with a very good friend of mine. It was soooo heartbreaking because we’re like sisters and it was really painful to be in that process. I have never felt so alone back then. I guess somehow, that triggered for me to make the decision that I should leave.

During that time, when I was really down, it got me thinking: maybe I should leave now. Everyone around me are moving on with their lives, making drastic changes with their future. Changes such as jobs, being in a commitment, starting families, or doing something else. I know that my life in Dubai is somehow nice. To be honest, I think I really got lucky along the way, because it has become really convenient and cozy to live there. But then again, I have always been thinking about making changes. I have always been planning to take longer trips… Or probably take some courses back home or abroad. Finally get an operation to help my back and hopefully lessen my undying insecurity. Hopefully connect with a soulmate… Or live somewhere else and start anew.

All these thoughts, these new adventures, they are exciting. I’ve always thought about it but I always procrastinate. And somehow, during that low point of mine, I asked myself: “what am I waiting for?” “If it could happen sooner and if I have been preparing for it, why do I have to wait longer?”

Me and my good friend eventually talked and it really took off that huge pain in my chest. The moment we made up, I forgot that feeling of sorrow. And I know that our friendship just became stronger. I didn’t realize how strong a bond could be if that didn’t happen. I honestly thought that that was it for us. I actually accepted it already, that we can’t be friends anymore. But the moment we became honest, everything fell to the right place perfectly.

But I am still leaving Dubai. I guess the past few weeks have given more perspective. The convenience is hard to let go, and I will forever be grateful for a lot of opportunities that was given to me in the past. There’s just so much to be thankful for. Countless memories to share. It has been a very amazing journey. And though this chapter of my life is about to close, opening a new one is something to look forward to.

During my hike yesterday, the conversations I had with my fellow hikers made me realize how short our life really is. There is so much to do, to see, to experience and to appreciate in this world with so little time. Maybe I don’t wanna die at 60. Maybe I prefer dying at 80 or even more. And if I wait any longer, the time might come that I will regret not doing the things that I wasn’t able to do and beat myself for the rest of my adult or elderly life. And these changes could create a chain of reaction that my life has been looking forward to. And i don’t want to live a life “just always looking forward to it” and not really doing it. I don’t want to wait until it is too late and always wonder: “What if?”.

Not being able to buy the pashmina is a bit of a bummer, but it is something I could move on from easily. But waiting and waiting to find the perfect time to take a risk and make changes in life and eventually miss out that opportunity is something else. Material things come and go. They could be seen, bought, or even be given. It comes in different forms and it could be something that could be very meaningful to someone else. But I guess, if we miss getting some things and beat ourselves up, in a certain period of time, we would eventually forget about it. After all, they are just material things.

But for our new found life perspective, if we miss out in chasing our dreams, then that is something else. True that sometimes, our life’s plans don’t go as we planned for it to be. It is human nature to evolve and to make changes along the way. But not taking a step at all is something harder to live for once we realize it’s too late.

I believe that there is a right time for each of us to be “at home” in terms of accepting life as it is and finally “just being there” comfortably, wherever that may be. Something like “I’ve been there, done that, and I am okay with this, and this is the place (metaphorically speaking) where I want my life to finally be.” Good for those who are finally in that place. But for some of us who are waiting and searching that path, the only way to get there is to start now.

I have less than two weeks to run errands and work before I finally settle back home. I am expecting the adjustment to be a bit tough and would probably regret for rushing it all in. But maybe, just maybe, it would give me another perspective.

Regret is not a healthy option for us. We are prone to it and most of the time, it is inevitable. Our thoughts and actions now defines how our life would be come. Fate, I believe, surprises us especially when we’re off guard. Sometimes, it also leads us to a better path. It comes in different forms and whichever direction we prefer, something will also be there. We could pass up on material things because it is a lot easier to move on to. And usually, our materialism ties us unwillingly in so many ways. But for life, passing up on it “now” thinking that we could do it later is something else. Our life is short and it is really special. We could make it the way we want for it to be. Life’s regret is not as easy as the regret of not being able to get material things. I don’t want for that to happen, losing time, not having enough time. Surely, acceptance of the future’s present would come eventually. But life is short to even linger in denial before the acceptance part.

Whether it be small or big, we should not miss up when life gives us the opportunity that we want. We might get confused along the way, and that’s not really a bad thing. Confusion means choices and it just means that we could redefine our future. If we choose not to take what is presented in front of us and instead accept what has been comfortable, then that doesn’t mean that we made a wrong move of not making changes. Maybe it just isn’t the right time. Or maybe, we’ve found the place where we want ourselves to be.

We could only do so much with our little time in this world. It is only upto us on how we want for it to be.

Here’s to turning regrets/denials into having new perspectives.

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Moving on with our Continuous Practice called Life.

Lately, I’ve been trying to distance myself from chatting with my roommate. She is, or maybe, was, a good friend. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure with how I feel.

I’ve been trying to avoid saying something, especially if it isn’t all pleasant. Thoughts about “if you’ve got nothing better to say, then shut up” is what I’ve been thinking of, trying to stop myself from spreading bad vibes.

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, my unhappy thoughts and sentiments. For a moment, I become successful. But as nature calls, I can’t change who I am. And so, it flows.

As I was searching for a yoga quote to help a friend win this contest, I ran into this:

“Your yoga begins when you leave the classroom.
It’s how you relate to people and how you relate to the world.
Your yoga is the giving and receiving.
It’s the wellness between inner and outer worlds.

Your yoga is living the purpose of your life.
Your yoga is to spread peace one person at a time.”

Nancy Gerstein

Such inspiring words.

I’ve been trying to keep my calm, be at peace, and walk towards serenity lately through silence and partly suppression of emotions. But I realized, what I’ve been doing isn’t the way it should be.

Just because I am a very emotional human being, who often worries or gets ridiculously sad over small things, doesn’t mean that in order for me to be at that “place”, I have to suppress my emotions and ignore the negativity around me.

Just because I have been used to being very vocal about what I think or how I feel, doesn’t mean that I have to be completely silent like as if there’s no one around me. Where’s the harmony in living a world with people without acknowledging their existence in our lives?

Just because I don’t wanna be friends anymore with this person (another story to tell–I am a bad friend if I kept my friendship–but part of me tells me I am ridiculous and this statement would possibly be ruled out), doesn’t mean I have to treat her like as if we’re strangers in our roof.

Yoga is a constant practice that we need to carry on all the time. It’s not just about being able to build strength or enhance flexibility. (Metaphorically and non metaphorically speaking) It is constant practice that allows us to breathe in and out continuously. It allows us to flow with our actions, our movements. It tells us to hold on, focus, and be still. It teaches us to open our hearts and our minds, stay conscious and always be mindful. It asks us to listen and know our own body and feel what is right for us. It is becoming at peace with ourselves, with our own thoughts, with our own actions, without any judgement. And as what most of my yoga instructors have spoken of, we should carry it on with us not just inside the classroom, but even after we step out. And that’s where the true challenge of being at peace begins.

So I guess, what I’m trying to say (and would be trying to do), is in order for me to be at peace with myself, I have to acknowledge my emotions when they need to be acknowledged. I shouldn’t suppress them, otherwise, they would burst. Like in yoga, when we can’t hold a pose, we make adjustments as this is what our bodies tell us. Thus, we have to acknowledge how we feel inside. Only then we could do what we’re supposed to do, whether be it in taking actions in how we feel–laugh, cry, think, or talk, or as in yoga, adjust our pose for the benefits it could provide to our body.

With maintaining my calm at work, I guess, to date it has been successful. And that makes me give myself a pat on the back.

Now, as for dealing with the silence in the house, it confuses me if I should start an open forum (the term confrontation scares me) with my roommate about why I haven’t been acting the same way as I did before. I am still hurt about what had happened and this level of hurt is usually the one which goes unnoticed unless being told with. It’s the kind of hurt that gives me a very hard time to talk about and just tells me to runaway. I fear that if we reach the level of confrontation, this present awkwardness would elevate and I don’t want for that to happen. It’s more peaceful this way, with my insides being torn apart of heartache, saving everyone else from the potential future disaster. It’s better this way, while my roommate unconsciously benefits of not knowing anything—anything but mere awkward silence. It’s better that way than for me to tell her what went wrong and with the situation not allowing us to take back the words that were fired upon.

I know that though I am trying to keep the peace in this house, it still isn’t right. By being silent, I am able to limit myself from expressing my thoughts and emotions, which meant that I am limiting myself from being hurt, and limiting myself to hurt others. Limiting the disappointments. Suppression of words, not thoughts. A pause in the unspoken chaos. There’s peace in silence. But I’m not entirely sure. In this case, is there? I know that I probably am not doing the right thing. But this is the best deal I could give myself this moment. I am confused on what to do and how to deal with it.

Yoga tells us to listen to what our body tells us. Life, tells us to listen. When we stop and take a pause, we are allowed to look, listen, and feel. Inside the classroom, our instructor is there to guide us. In our continuous practice, in our life, we don’t. It is a bit of a struggle to put all of these into our daily practice, and much harder because at crossroads, we don’t really know what to do. Sometimes, we get confused if we should take a step back and adjust to what we’ve been used to (whether in yoga pose or in dealing with most of the situation), or challenge ourselves to the next level. But we have to listen to ourselves.

Inside the classroom, the usual 1.5 hours of practice deals with breathing, focus and concentration to achieve the poses, to strengthen our minds and our bodies, to meditate, to be present. We could adjust our pose in one or two breaths. Outside the classroom, the rest of our practice goes on and we could apply the same. The rest of our practice is a lot more challenging, for we deal with different people, different circumstances, different emotions. But we are still lucky, because we’re not forced to dealing with it in one or two breaths. We are given more than that, to pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. It is a continuous practice. Yoga is. And life, well, of course it is.

Now, it’s time for me to continue. To pause, listen, think, acknowledge, adjust, and take action. I should, and I will, continuously.

Namaste.

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Just in case I die…

1. I want all my functional organs to be donated. A lot of people needs to fulfill their life’s purpose, & if my organs could help them continue whatever it is that they need to do, then they should have it. When people die, we tend to think that their life’s purpose ends in their death. But no, it’s just the beginning of the beautiful eternity (well, atleast that’s what I believe & look forward to). And so, my organs better continue its function through someone else’s body. Maybe it would do good not just to its new owners but also to the people left behind by its former owner (yes, that’s me!).

2. Since I am still single, I want all my monetary assets to go to my mom (it’s not that much though), because she is a wise woman who doesn’t gamble. She knows the value of money really well. Look at us, she has fully invested in our education. Screw material things. I grew up having mostly the essentials. I rarely (when I say rare–like very rare… I had to give a gazillion tantrums before I got my way!!) got extras in terms of material goodies. When I was younger, or course I didn’t know what “value for money” means. I was a materialistic and somehow jealous kid. Booo!!! I resented the fact that we weren’t well off. But of course, as I grew older, I took advantage of the educational investment that my parents put it, and gave in to what’s required of me. And I am damn proud of the kids that my parents have: my siblings and myself counted.

For the 27.5 years of my life, I’ve only lived in rented apartments. My parents had plans of building a house back then. They had planned it several times. It didn’t really push through. When I asked my mom how come it never really happened, she said it was because we can’t really afford it. With the bills and our education, it’s gonna be tough. I then remembered that we had to sell a piece of our land just to pay more bills. Maybe my mom could use the money that I’ve left behind and buy a house for them to live in. My mom with my dad, my siblings, and of course, our extended family. In the Philippines, extended family is synonymous to immediate, if you know what I mean 😉

3. Oh, I want my remains to be cremated too. They could keep my ashes at home, or just spread it in an ocean that they could visit whenever they want to. Land space, the hassle of burying me, and yes, the cost of the land. Not sure about the rest of the list but I think the aforementioned is already a lot. When I die, the people I’ve left behind of course could visit me in my grave. But, when the time comes that they also die, who would visit me then? My grave would just be a waste of space in the graveyard. I don’t want to burden the people I’ve left behind with the bills of the grave lot and the dramatic process. They could set me free in the ocean or store me in an urn if they still can’t let go. It’s practical, less burden, and less heart breaking.

4. They could distribute among themselves all my “valuable” cd collections (I don’t have a lot yet as of the moment, but if I get to live in the next few years, trust me, it’ll grow). They could have it for as long as they want it. I just hope that they listen to it and appreciate it the way that I do. I have bags that my sisters and my mom could have and use. My clothes, they could use it, or if it’s just a sad reminder, they could give it to someone else. All these material things, they could keep, but if it’s painful to be reminded of me with my stuff, then they could give it away or sell it.

5. I intend to develop my pictures in the not-so-distant-future. If in case I die, they could give the picture to the people I’m with (at the picture). Maybe the hard copy that they’ll have could help them remember me, that I once was a part of their lives. With pictures that doesn’t have any familar/known faces, they could sell it (if it’s marketable) or just stare at it… or if it’s a waste, recycle it and turn it into a compost.

6. My wake. Well… I honestly don’t know if a soul could attend such a thing. But I guess, regardless, I would want my wake to be meaningful and not devastatingly sad. I want the people that I’ve left behind to cherish me for the good things, the great memories, and to laugh at the bad and weird ones. I want to feel missed and I want to send that emotion back at them too–that they’ll be missed. I want them to talk about me in a sense of the life that I desired to live, and if in case I’ve missed some things in living my life, that they learn from it and do it for me, so that I would know that missing those details of living my life served its purpose in making others know and realize that it shouldn’t be missed. I just hope that in my wake, rather than have people feel guilt or regret, i’d like them to have that sense of epiphany, amazing realization, sense of relief, & especially for the loved ones, my parents & siblings that I’ve left behind, a room full of love, just the right amount, quite overwhelming & a bit overflowing, especially at that time of need.

7. And, just in case I really die, I hope that this reaches them. I want to tell them that being the weirdly emotional person that I am, at times that I feel really sad (which lately, has been a bit frequent), I imagine myself jumping off a window of a tall building, flying down to my death & forgetting that I am about to die. Sad that it’s a thought of suicide, but no, I won’t do that. Because at times that I am really really sad and imagine that idea, I tell myself that “this too shall pass, and I’ll be okay and back to being a normal thinking person again”. I want to let them know that though I’ve had thoughts of that, I died a normal death (by that, I mean not doing it myself!–so either through an accident or illness) & have submitted myself and my life to the good Lord, living the life that they’ve been a part of, a life of mixed ideas, mixed thoughts, mixed emotions, and (hopefully), a life that is full.

I know (well, not really, but I do hope) that I won’t die anytime soon. I still have A LOT on my bucket-list. From what I’ve heard, those who usually feels or plans how or what their death (and the aftermath) is like, usually dies a bit later. But, just in case, here’s my list.

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Even I confuse myself…

Yes, here I am again bored at work, waiting for the hours to pass by and go home already… killing time by browsing random websites of people or things that randomly came into mind.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for the longest time about a lot of silly things. Wait, no. How can I say it’s silly if it’s bothering me, right? I guess just by thinking that it’s silly makes me gives me both a clearer, and at the same time, a more confused view.

I have a sort of see-saw emotional nature. Sometimes, I couldn’t care less. Sometimes, I care a lot. I want to have an outlook of a hippie, where everything seems nice and beautiful. A view where everything is within reach and you couldn’t care less about things that doesn’t really matter. Just go with the flow of whatever comes your way.

But at the same time, I also want to be more conscious about a lot of things. Things such as environmental awareness, healthier options in food (but I don’t want to be a food snob at the same time), and be a kind-hearted person.

How can I do both at the same time? Care and not care? And how do I know when and where I should and shouldn’t? I’ve been trying to be conscious about all these things that I want to do, and have been trying to do it. But sometimes, I confuse myself.

Since I left my journal to write to, especially now that I need to “re-analyze” and “think… think… think…” Might as well type it down and reread and reanalyze stuff myself.

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When “Sleep All Day” Meant More

Can I make this my anthem for this 2012 AD? 🙂

The first time I’ve heard of this song a few years ago, I just thought it was okay. I don’t have any strong memory of how I felt about this song years ago… Well, it isn’t a single anyway, so no wonder it didn’t really get stuck in my head or something just like other released singles.

Okay, so last year I somehow re-stumbled to Jason Mraz’s songs. Maybe because he had a show in Manila that I wasn’t able to go to? Or maybe, it was fate. If you’re gonna read these posts, you’d find out that his music has somehow helped me have a lighter, more freeing outlook in life. It’s hard to explain, but listening to his music just makes me a bit light headed (in a good way)–the music itself soothes my mood… Much more when I really listen to the words behind the tunes… an inside joke meant that I feel I am on a “high”. And an even better description would be: me not worrying away (yah know!)– the “hippie” feeling, as what i call it. Hippie High?

Now, Sleep All Day. When I got myself the chance to listen to Jason’s songs again, I played this song instantly. Not sure why but upon reading the song title, I felt like it has a connection or a memory or something like that–like I’ve already heard of it and it’s familiar. When I listened to it this time around, I really liked it. Since then, it’s just there in my playlist.

Before saying what I think of the meaning itself, I tried to re-read the lyrics and also somehow googled the song meaning. The latter sort of just messed with me! Hehe… I’ll just stick to what I feel it means to me.

For me it’s about thinking of doing something, for the reason that it had to be done. But instead, rather than doing whatever it is, you just do what you feel like doing at that exact moment! In this case, it meant “sleeping all  day”. Not worrying about what others may think of what he’s doing, he just went and go for it… Taking it all easy, but at the same time, keeping in mind of making things greater in doing it, making the most out of it.

Whether the “sleep” is a metaphor for fun, sleeping with someone, or just the true sleep (nap), for me what “sleep all day” truly says is to allow ourselves to have the time of doing whatever makes us happy at that exact moment, without worrying about anything at all, and making the most out of it (–in which I think the line “if all is grounded you should go make a mountain out of it” fits perfectly).

So, there you have it folks. The song that supported the kick off of my 2012 AD!

“Why don’t we sleep all day?”

xx,

kat

PS. Let’s all live in the moment the moment it happens. Why worry about tomorrow when we still have the rest of the day to take care of, right?

PPS. Other songs of his that have hit me and my playlist hard are: The Remedy, Live High, Make It Mine… My other favorites too are: If It Kills Me, Geek in the Pink, Lucky, I’m Yours, Sleeping to Dream, Love (by Hope).

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2011, A Reflection of the Year that was… of Depression and of Contentment

As I try to recall the year that was–that is, 2011, it seems like a lot of things had happened, both small and big. Thinking about it now, I couldn’t be more grateful enough. I am so blessed and now, I am in a place of contentment.

The start of my 2011 was a bit slow. I somehow agree to what I’ve read in my horoscope, that things would start its pace by the latter part of the year and I just had to be patient. True enough, it did.

For the 1st half of my year, I became really busy and my focus was more on my responsibilities outside my current world. To expound further, I was very much distracted from work with my “day-dream job”. Oh, it’s still not specific, isn’t it? To put it out straight, being an expat here in Dubai, I am physically present at work and outside work, but my focus was more in fulfilling the responsibilities of our non-profit/fan group in the Philippines (Incubus Street Team Philippines). I work here in Dubai as an engineer, but during those times, I just resent my job! I mean, not a day has passed by without me saying “I hate this job, if it weren’t only for the money.” Now, as for the “day-dream job”, though I wasn’t in the Philippines, I could say that I was the point person of the street team–like a project manager (?). My very-much-hidden obsessive-compulsive character just went out. Always sending emails, making calls, searching for sponsors/contacts, and arranging for different things. It may be easy to read: Tree Planting Activity (much credits to Onang), Shirt Projects (much credits to Anna), getting the team in place, and the big one: Pre-Concert/Post Album Launch Fund Raising GIG Party, plus a lot more! But it was a lot of work. And yes, it was “work” for us–only we weren’t earning anything (not that any of us mind). Labor of love. What started as me/us being a fan of Incubus led us to do activities that isn’t about us being “just us” anymore. It was really very rewarding.

Time flew by without us realizing it. It was fun and sweet and tiring all at the same time. Somewhere in between months during this period, I flew in and out of the country back home, wherein my focus was more of our group’s activities. In a total of being home for 4 weeks (i flew back to Manila twice in a span of 2 months!!), I was mostly with the street team. I’ve met with my HS friends once, my extended family a few times, and mostly hung out with my family at home. Daytime, if I wasn’t on the PC, I was with the team’s meeting. It felt like an events job for me, but it was very rewarding. I felt really happy the moment we successfully did it. Just happy. Blissful. And yes, we got to meet the band Incubus in person. Cherry on top of the cake. YES.

But after all these, when I went back to Dubai, leaving everything and everyone behind… I felt depressed. I felt bad. I felt really lost. I hated my job even more–knowing that with the right team, we can successfully throw a successful event. That’s the career that I felt was really right for me. I hated it even more because I know that my current job pays well compared to the risk that I am still not willing to take. My everyday job felt even more boring, because I had to deal with the daily tasks. No more “street team” job to do. I was still pushing through, but no one was in pace anymore.

Next, I felt like everyday was the typical day and there’s really nothing to look forward to. “What’s the reason behind all these? Fine, I work to earn… Then what’s next? We’re all going to die anyway.” No, I never thought of killing myself. But I just wished to die really early… that if I die at that time, it’s okay since nothing was relevant anyway.

Much more, my family in the Philippines (excluding one of my sisters) was going to migrate to the US. I thought to myself, it would be a long shot for us to be altogether again… Like, when will we celebrate my birthday with all of us in one place? What about their birthdays? And the Christmas holidays? I felt really guilty for not being able to spend time with them when I was on vacation… for prioritizing the “fan” in me, the street team member rather than allotting time to spend with my family. I remember, before I left home, I hugged my mom and cried, telling her: “I don’t wanna leave anymore. I don’t wanna go back there.” But still I left. I had to. That’s life.

Days went by and I was living it like as if I was already dead. I was waiting for time to really fly by really fast… For it to fast forward. I was doing things at a routine just for the sake of being occupied… The whole time that I was depressed, I preferred to just stay home, watch movies, clean up and do basic chores once in a while. I resent everyday and declined each invitation. I knew that I was lucky and should be grateful, but at that time, I just didn’t know the purpose of it all. I find it meaningless. I sort of closed my heart subconsciously, not knowing that it would make me empty. Until one day: I went out with friends.

I can’t remember how it all happened, but the depression sort of just went away. I was content of just living life, one day at a time. I enjoyed the food that I eat, couldn’t care less about spending, and was just okay. I enjoyed my friends’ company very much and I looked forward to spending more time with them. I sort of changed. I became more oriented with my tasks and responsibilities. I became more inspired of what life could offer, whether it be big or small.

I ate out on weekends with friends. Became excited of the Friday brunch, the afternoon walks, and the late night house drinking party. I just gave in to the feeling of being content.

Work, I didn’t mind at all. I worked and get annoyed from time to time, but I just let it go. I did not let it bother me the way it used to. I just say “fffff what the heck!” then move on in a snap.

When I discovered a soothing music, the one which made me light, floating, and happy (a huge shoutout to Jason Mraz’s music), I tuned in to it. It made me think and reflect even more… It made me realize to just live and not worry about tomorrow.

Last November, I traveled again and realized even more how lucky I am to be at a place where I am at right now. Not all people could have the opportunities that came along my way. I became more open and receptive of others. I allowed myself to let them come inside my heart… and for that, I allowed myself subconsciously to move out of that depression and to just live.

I’ve learned when to let things strike me, and what or who are allowed to hit me hard (figuratively). Simple term: I learned when to be affected and when to not care at all. It’s simple yet hard to explain, but I learned how to be more grateful and appreciative of what is in front of me right now, and how to brush off everything else.

Care? I still do, I think I care even more. Emotional? Yes, still a lot. Depressed? Not anymore, and I don’t intend to be.

I remember talking to Adrian, a guy I crossed paths with on my trip to Amsterdam, about him wanting to study Philosophy. He’s of the same age as mine, 27. He used to do the same job as I and he understands how my work somehow makes me grumpy (I told him that my job has attributed a LOT to my grumpy character at work). He told me that it’s why he decided to study again, coz that wasn’t for him… And he just finished his 2nd degree and now he’s traveling for a few months now… And he intends to study again: Philosophy. We talked about those things and a lot of other stuff to, then he said somewhere along that “if you think about it, we’re still lucky. Not all people could do what we’re doing right now.” And indeed, he is correct.

He somehow inspired me too, to move forward. Meeting him and meeting a lot of people along the way in my previous travels have inspired me in a lot of different aspects.

Reflecting on the year that was, 2011, is just very inspiring for me. It might sound simple and probably my depression sounds a bit lame for some, but experiencing that made me appreciate what I have right now in my life. I’m seeing things differently with a whole new perspective.

I wanna study again, and I am still unsure of what it is. I wanna travel freely knowing when to worry, and when not to. I wanna change careers and not worry about the stability of the wage that enters my pocket. I wanna live life and smile when I hear good music, even though it doesn’t relate to any of my previous experiences at all. I look forward to the day that I could spend with those I’ve left behind back home, my friends and of course, my family. I look forward to seeing myself in their pictures and just being there with them. I am excited to the things that are in store for me by the year of 2012.

I am looking forward to 2012, but I am not rushing to the time that I can get to do those things again. I have a not-so-vague idea when those things would happen, but for now, I’ll take one day at a time. Until I figure out what I am going to do tomorrow and accomplish it by end of day, then that’s the time I’ll think of what’s in store the day after.

As I leave 2011 and move forward to 2012 in 3 days, I’d like to share with you some of the lines that make my heart jump, my mind tingle, and my eyes and lips smile… These lines are such a mood setter and I believe has definitely helped me feel better with life.

“Live High, Live Mighty, Live Righteously, Taking it Easy…” — Jason Mraz with Live High

“I won’t worry my life away” — Jason Mraz with the Remedy

“I don’t wanna wake before the dream is over, I’m gonna make it mine… Yes I, I know it” — Jason Mraz with Make it Mine

May everyone have a prosperous, inspiring, and a Happy New Year! Appreciate yourself and be grateful, then you’ll be content.  Be content, and happiness will follow. Live, Be Content, and Love… Everything will fall into the right place the moment we allow ourselves to let them in our hearts.

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